01/18/2026
2016.
The best year of my [adulting it] life. Having a newborn prompted me to live contentedly in the present like never before (and quite honestly, never again). I didn’t feel weighed down by unmet dreams or future aspirations. The pressure to “become something” by the age of 30 had passed. We were on staff at a church with a pastor who paved the way for much needed healing after Jordan’s soul crushing church leadership experience. One that had changed the trajectory of everything. The thought of moving to NY to raise our children was still a healthy anticipation before it became a desperate plea. Home felt safe because we hadn’t been kicked out of it three times. My brother and bonus mom-in-law were here and deeply loved, even while illness began its thievery. Our marriage had not yet been taunted and pulled at. I hadn’t yet watched two loved ones die nor yet wept bitterly over them. I relished in the beauty of every moment. Of life in my arms and family still a phone call away. It was the perfect year and I knew it. My brother asked me about life with a little and I remember telling him I had never lived more contentedly. A friend asked me about my dreams, and I said I didn’t have any - which was not a sentiment I had ever expressed but there was immense freedom in it.
There are experiences that draw out the richness of life, but sometimes much of life’s experiences remind us of our fragility, our inadequacy, and our downright pathetic-ness. We fail each other on a regular basis, remain subject to the decisions of others, and must navigate how to live in life after tragedy and even loss. 10 years and my heart is tired.
But.
God is good to mingle joy with heartache. Four times I have held a child in my arms at their first breath. I have seen life emerge after death. I have carried these words with immense gratitude and hope.
“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart. I have overcome the world.” -Jesus
#2016