11/06/2023
Three-years later and the struggle is still very real…
I always prided myself on knowing when to call a dive. I didn’t think I’d ever have to make the decision to give up cold water diving altogether …. but I know it is the right thing to do😢
I’m done waiting to “recover” as I now realize I will not return to the person I once was but I can have a stronger say in the person I become. It’s time to move forward with resilience and carve out something new and equally special.
These photos are just a couple small tangible examples of why I should not resume diving. Its been a difficult realization yet I know it the right decision as there is no room for errors like these underwater.
It’s been 3-long years since I accidentally knocked myself out with my backup dive mask (think slingshot to my temple.) Nobody saw it. When I came to, my memory was immediately erased and we unknowingly proceeded with our dive not aware of the reality of my injury.
After 6-months of amnesia while blindly navigating the medical system for mysterious symptoms that suddenly appeared, an unnecessary biopsy was performed, a second injury to the same temple because I was so unknowingly off-balance. My memory slowly and traumatically returned.
Then I was allowed to dive while in Egypt by TWO different specialists treating me since it was just a “minor” TBI. I thought I was following sound advice. I’ve learned there is NO SUCH THING as a MINOR TBI! Every injury is different! And - ONLY a qualified dive doctor should be advising you about your condition to dive.
Subsequently, Divers Alert Network advised me that I needed to sit out for a minimum of 3-years due to increased risk of seizures, and ongoing sequelae. I admittedly didn’t like DAN’s response but found a local dive doctor who confirmed and further explained their recommendation. I could only return if all symptoms resolved.
This 3-year mark was supposed to be a celebration of my return to PNW diving. Sadly I still suffer from persistent concussive symptoms (PCS), and have developed chronic conditions as a direct result of my injury. This includes dysfunction of my autonomic nervous system (Dysautonomia), primarily Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) but everything eat, sleep, blood pressure and heart rate are out of sorts. Post-Traumatic Trigeminal Neuralgia has left me with continuous head pain where I was hit, not to mention the ongoing cognitive battle, neuro-fatigue, screen intolerance and what feels like a bazillion other challenging things that simply exhaust me. Most of my dysfunction is invisible except to my closest family and friends which creates its own invalidating experience.
I’m selfishly and foolishly glad I was able to dive in Egypt. While I thought I was taking my first giant stride into the Red Sea finally healed, I was actually rolling off the zodiac for my last dance below the waves.
Saying goodbye is hard and yet I know it’s in my best interest to move through the grief of my old self and create a new version of me.
Now, it’s time to sell some gear…
