10/28/2021
Sensitive Photos & Sensitive Story Warning:
This last Thankful Thursday of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I’m thankful for the opportunity to have spent a day with this beautiful woman, photographing her now that she has learned to give herself love for saving herself. We ended the evening with her firelit smile beaming from ear to ear as she let her bad memories burn. It was a session I will never forget and I’m honored she picked me. 🔥
Here is Jamie’s story:
Let's start at the beginning. I was born in June of 1990. Adopted by 2 awesome people, in which my father passed 1 month before my 1st birthday. Cancer.....
My adoption was closed from the beginning, which means 0 contact between my birth mom and myself. When I was 3, I was told I was adopted by someone who was not family but was someone my mom went to church with. Yes, at 3 years old I was told this and it stayed with me forever. Years passed and at that time my birth mom was trying to contact us. It turns out she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had gone through all the necessary surgeries, treatments and after some time she was in remission. While she was in remission, I was told she wanted to meet as she wasn't sure if the cancer would come back. When I was 13, I found out she had passed as the cancer returned as a tumor in her brain....
Fast forward to age 18. My mom and I decided to get my genetics tested. Bam! The results came back that not only did I have the BRCA gene it was at such a high percentage, that it was only a matter of time before cancer would start to form.
After a year of long talks, many tears and worry, at 19 years old I went under the knife to have a double mastectomy and to start the process of reconstruction. First surgery was around 8 hours and probably the hardest recovery I've ever faced. My fiancé at the time was by my side through it all and I will forever be grateful for that. But unfortunately, just like many other relationships, this surgery took a toll on our relationship and eventually we ended things.
Over the course of 6 years, I had gone through expanding my muscles and skin, replacing the expanders for implants, then formed my ni**le from skin and tattooed my ar**la. I want to say I had been under 5x just to get everything reconstructed to look and feel somewhat normal.... but what is normal at this point? I hated my body. The way it looked. The way it felt. I did not feel like myself or even feminine at that point.
Resentment kicked in hard and I hated myself, my genetics, my biological family for these sh*tty genes. But mostly myself because I chose to go through something so extreme at such a young age. I never let anyone see me without my shirt off and I rarely looked in the mirror. I felt so disfigured and ugly all because my b***s were going to kill me. “How could anyone love someone with fake b***s that have 0 feeling and are not attractive at all?” I couldn't connect with anyone because who would really understand what I was going through? So, the hate just sat there and grew stronger. I became someone who just wanted to sleep forever because I couldn't accept that I saved my life.
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Once I became pregnant with my daughter, I knew I had to change my entire outlook on this. It wasn’t easy because I now also hated myself because I couldn't breast feed. Not being able to give your baby what you naturally create because the equipment isn't there, I had so much sadness for my baby. I felt like I was failing her even though I knew I was going to be here for her as long as my body will allow.
One day, I am going to have to explain everything to her and I want her to know that this will make you stronger, even though you feel so weak every day.
Going through this journey has given me a lot more to be thankful for. I honestly don't know if I would have the family I have if I didn't go through this. I wouldn't be the woman I am today if I wouldn't have made such a hard decision.
After getting my tattoos to cover the scars, it felt like a weight was lifted. I didn't feel like I had to hide anymore from anyone. My husband reminds me every day I'm beautiful and thanks me for saving myself so we can grow old together. I get to hopefully have a few more years than my biological mom did. I want to be able to watch my kids graduate, get married and have babies.
For anyone who's going through this journey or already has please remember you're not alone, I still forget that every day. Look at yourself with love and admiration as this is a hard thing to go through because you literally have to learn to love yourself again, but in a different way. Every day is still a struggle but I can honestly say I wouldn't go back and change anything.💗
