12/17/2020
Tl;dr do as I say, not as I do! It’s ok to continue advocating for self love and body positivity even when you’re self conscious in YOUR own skin
I wanna talk about something. I’m constantly trying to share messages of body love and positivity through my work with Pinup Jane, but I think an incredibly important part of the conversation that often gets missed his body negativity, and the fact that internalized body shame is totally understandable and OK. Together we can lift each other up, but only if we OPEN up. There are too many topics that go unspoken.
Personally, I’m at the heaviest weight I’ve ever been and I’m not happy with my current body.I truly believe there is nothing inherently wrong with any amount of weight or fatness, but I still find myself psychologically distressed. It gets me down that I don’t look the way I want to in clothes, and I can’t buy off the rack. I look in the mirror and think I’m looking great, but then I see photos or videos of myself and I’m shocked and disgusted. I have a hard time understanding and reconciling “what do I ACTUALLY look like?” As such an experienced photographer I should know that even though photos and videos seem objective, there are SO many variables (lens, lighting, posing,angle, editing, and so much more) that make images distort reality, but also I naturally fixate on whichever looks worst. I think things like “I look like a slug”, wow I look gross, “I used to be attractive but I’m not anymore” and more. If I saw someone else with my exact body, and especially if they we’re talking to me about their body image I would NEVER say much less think those negative things, so why am I thinking them to myself?

 I personally have a pretty serious neck condition that’s only being exacerbated by all of the extra weight I carry in my stomach. That being said, I try not to ever let it define me. This year I have been working on trying to take better care of myself in other ways besides weight loss, and here are some of those (I’d love more suggestions if anyone has them!)
- accepting and love for the ways and times I’m “unreliable” (the truth is I have ADD and the superpowers of my personality would not exist without the flaws. I’m so blessed to have life circumstances right now where I can allow myself to be this way) This one applies to everything else below - consistency is not my strength
- take a shower, even if I don’t have anywhere to go
- scented candles
- put together an outfit for tomorrow
- put on some mascara
- wearing lipstick
- wearing perfume
- reminding myself that EVERYONE looks terrible when the front facing camera opens
- cleaning up my home space
Added to that, I’m trying to get a handle on what I think might be some pretty unhealthy eating habits I have. I’m trying to make choices regarding food based on “what does my body actually need” vs “what do I feel like right now”. I know I have some real issues with sugar, and craving it is a problem of addiction. Correct me if I’m wrong, but does my body actually NEED sweets? I’m pretty sure it does not, and I’m reaching for them for a bit of an op**te effect.
Anyhow.... here is some imagery taken of me a few days ago by a fellow photographer who I truly do adore. Brianna Bennion Photography. We had a model bail at the last minute for our shoot at the gorgeous Commercial Club SLC so I scrambled to fill in. I hate how I look in them, but I know I shouldn’t, and hopefully you won’t 😉 (BTW the gowns are all available for use if you book a photoshoot with me or Bri, and available for rent through our new join project at www.instagram.com/book.a.look)
