https://www.facebook.com/559573250565813/

A Root Awakening: Wildflower Wanderings, Richwood, WV (2026)

02/20/2026

Moving forward isn’t always necessary. Sometimes you just have to stay where you are and embrace what’s around you.

07/18/2025

What an absolutely delicious lunch at The Oakford Pool Hall Thank you ladies!! And Cejas basked in all the locals lovins 😆🥰 Such a welcoming community.

03/19/2025

𝕆𝕟 𝕃𝕖𝕥𝕥𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝔾𝕠

You had the same scars as me, some even deeper and more prominent than mine. I subconsciously knew this meant you would need me, never to be abandoned by you, never to be judged or undervalued. These are the things I needed since my childhood robbed me of them and I still had no idea how to offer them to myself, but I would soon find out that some of your scars were still open wounds and you would start bleeding all over me. I would end up parenting my partner so that the roles were reversed and you needed me just like I needed my parents…and I would not let you down like they did me.

The needing lead to clinging which meant listening but not truly hearing my needs, as the voices in your head were louder than mine. As long as you had your tight grip, you were satisfied, never to see that I was quickly growing to be unhappy. Your grip meant your hands were too busy to lift a finger and everything was up to me. You were physically here, but you were somewhere else in your mind; in a version where you were the one abandoned so you held on tighter with every waking hour. I could barely breathe and my back was heavy with all the weight. I tried to regain some control by bandaging your wounds but you did not want the help, you just wanted me the way I was. Nothing I tried was good enough and while I was attempting to help us grow, you were there with your sheers to cut down every bud as it started to bloom so we could stay in this uncomfortable spot of comfort.

You placed your hand on my back as tears fell to my mother’s grave, never muttering a single word. Your eyes were so clouded that you did not see I needed your comforting words. You were afraid that my grief would turn onto you so you stayed quiet and out of the way while my grief instead turned on me with no one to carry my lifeless body to safety. I cried out that the pain was too much and I no longer wanted to continue with this life and you pulled your knife from your pocket, placed it on your wrist and exclaimed that if I was not happy with you, that you would die as well. I was choking on your blood and you could not see that the more I needed you, the more you pushed me away. I needed to feel safe and you made me feel in danger. I needed to feel cared for and you left me abandoned even though your body never left my side. I needed your comfort and you gave me discomfort. You could not see all the ways that you were always “there” but never there FOR me.

I wanted to stick to my word and not abandon you, as I was. I understood what it meant for you to hold on so tightly but I had completely lost control and was now suffocating. Through my grief alone, I realized that the only thing I could ever control was myself, so I tried to let you go though I knew how deeply it would cut. You quickly reminded me that there was not a world where you would exist and we were apart. It was then that I came to the conclusion that love was no longer present for either of us, if ever at all. I tried to process the loss of us but you were selfish in your own loss and still clung on tightly, putting the responsibility of what your life would look like from here on out in my hands, instead of your own. I was to blame for our demise, I was the one who pushed you away and I was the one who would pay for your suffering. 911 calls left me feeling helpless, drive-by’s left me feeling unsafe in my own home, finding new ways to contact me left me feeling like I would always be haunted by you. Hundreds of miles away and I still get a pit in my stomach when I see a maroon pick-up truck pass by. You never had to put your hands on me for me to know what this kind of attachment can do and I ruminated about the possibilities daily.

I thought I had let you go long ago but you clearly still had your nails dug into me. In hopes that I could make a final, drastic move in order for you to finally hear what I had been saying all along, I felt absolutely defeated instead of relieved. You were still in control, I still had to keep your face in my phone to insure that you would not contact me again. I would still have to mutter your name every time you sneaked your way back in. You became the bad guy in my story even though I wanted nothing but good for you. You were still controlling the narrative and I was allowing it; I was under the impression that I was letting go correctly but what you feed will fester and I was still feeding you.

There are a lot of “you”s in this chapter and I’ve let them run the show for far too long, I am taking responsibility for my part in this story. My energy no longer feeds you while I am left starving. I will carve your nails out from under my skin and bandage myself up. I will heal the parts of me that needed you to begin with so I do not bleed on those who did not wound me. I will place boundaries for you to claw at for the rest of your life if you so choose, but I will no longer let you in. I am cutting off all ties that keep you here, I am back in control and I am fully letting go.

*Burns these pages to make it so*

02/14/2025

ℍ𝕒𝕣𝕕𝕔𝕠𝕣𝕖 𝕋𝕨𝕠-𝕊𝕥𝕖𝕡

I used to think that the world was out to get me, that every step I took forward, there was something or someone there to push me right back on my knees where I belonged. Where I belonged was in small spaces and doing as I was told, conforming to what everyone else and society needed me to be. If I ever thought differently for myself, I would quickly be reminded otherwise. I thought that this was the way I was meant to live my life because the cycle kept repeating; take 2 steps forward and 5 steps back…until I finally realized that this was the dance of life and I could take the lead.

I remember the days that I felt so full of information and confidence, knowing that I was about to graduate from the Institute of Integrative Nutrition. A whole new way of life was forming for me and it felt so natural and freeing, I could see my future right ahead of me and even though I was unsure of how it would actually play out, I was more optimistic than I had ever been. But if I told you I wasn’t waiting for the other shoe to drop, then I would be lying. That was how I lived my entire life, once I turned my focus inward and things were starting to go “right” for me, something would happen to take it all away. And even though I was prepared and waiting, I wasn’t ready to find out that my sister had fallen heavy into her addiction and that I would have to(though I chose to)drop everything to care for her daughter while she went to rehab. This happened right as I was finishing my final for school and although I barely passed with all the stress, the future that I was so excited about before was now filled with uncertainty and anxiety. Instead of celebrating my graduation from school, I was caring for my mother full time, working part time and now a stand in mother for my amazing niece. Exactly what I thought would happen, did, and my future got put on the back burner yet again.

These things that would happen, always felt like they were happening TO me, like I deserved them somehow and like they all revolved around stopping me from moving forward in life. How absolutely self absorbed of me, right? It wasn’t until recently that I discovered that the universe doesn’t think that poorly of me…but I do. All of these thought patterns and preconceived notions about how I was meant to my life were all in my head. Where they originated from is a mix of different people, places and things but they all had a permanent(so I thought)home in my mind.

My first month in Florida was something I will never forget or be able to ever show enough gratitude for. I pushed my comfort zones, stood up for myself and most importantly learned how to believe and trust in myself. The second month started off with some of that fire but quickly seemed to fizzle out. It started with a bed bug fiasco that turned into moving cabins and ended with Cejas and I getting lost in a State Park for hours on one of the hottest February days yet. As these things began to happen, my first instinct was to question whether this was the cycle repeating or not. The honeymoon period ending and everything starting to fall apart because I deserved bad things and to stay small. But luckily through the work that I have been doing on this journey, that first instinct was overridden by my second instinct which was to remind myself that these things were not happening TO me and I did not deserve them, they were just things that happen in life that I have to assess, adapt to and/or overcome. With this second instinct becoming stronger, I am able to asses with a more level and logical mind instead of unrealistic emotions that are trauma based and this allows me to adapt and overcome much easier while also creating more space for gratitude to live.

Since learning that it was possible for me to play big and live the life I’ve always dreamed of, I always imagined it to be peaceful and full of love and when I imagined attaining peace and love, it seemed like it would all be easy; to have and to keep. Having the good life seemed like it would be a place where nothing ever tried to set me back and everything would come with ease. I thought that I was working towards an indestructible life and in the end, that thought is what always destroyed me; that was the cycle. It has taken me this long to realize that nothing is indestructible and the only thing that is within my control is myself..not the things that happen around me, not the people who cross my path and not the situations that unravel with everyday life. I do have control of how I react and how I let all of these things affect me and even though it is much easier said than done, I am strengthening that muscle everyday in order to make patience, understanding and self control my first instinct instead of blame, anger and self hate. It is all within me and it always has been, I just have to keep dancing!

02/04/2025

𝔸 𝔻𝕒𝕪 𝕨𝕚𝕥𝕙 𝕞𝕪 𝔹𝕖𝕤𝕥 𝔽𝕣𝕚𝕖𝕟𝕕

For many years I was completely jealous of her best friend(s). I wanted our friendship all to myself and the idea of sharing her time, generosity and laughs with others made my heart sad. But through those years, I grew up and realized what a gift she was not only to me, but to everyone around her. You see, also through those years, we went through hell and back; in our own lives and with each other. We would lose each other from time to time, mostly because of said jealousy and my childish mistakes but we would always find our way back, better than before. Those years were the building blocks to the strongest and greatest friendship I’ll ever know and everyone deserves to know that kind of comfort and connection.

Her being a funeral director and mortician, we always joked around that no matter where we were in life, when my mother would pass, she would take care of her. Never would I imagine that when the day finally came, she would drop everything, pack the kids in the car and be on her way here…a 10 hour drive from Florida. Though she wasn’t able to directly care for my mom, she certainly cared for me. She guided me along each process and supported me in a way that no one else was able to. She knew what I was going through and she knew exactly what I needed from her. I don’t think she’ll ever know the ways she helped me to survive but I plan on showing her my gratitude throughout the rest of our years, even if it’s just one day at a time.

Whether it’s been forever or only a month since seeing each other, there is always so much to say and catch up on. It usually starts with boy problems, veers off into boldly functions of some sort and then going over our grief with each other, describing where in the spiral we’re currently sitting. It didn’t always use to be so heavy but it is a part of life that has brought us even closer together, to a better understanding of one another. With great love comes great loss and we are moving through those losses together gracefully, even on the days we rot. There is always copious amounts of open mouth laughter and reminiscing on our past of almost 25 years. Who knew that two crazy Mexicans would bring me my person?!

On the days that I think I don’t know who I really am, underneath all of the muck and disaster, she is always there to remind me. I am someone who is deserving of her love and light and all I’ll ever want is to make sure she keeps shining so I can spend one more day with my best friend.

01/31/2025

𝔻𝕖𝕒𝕣 𝕁𝕒𝕟𝕦𝕒𝕣𝕪

Thank you for leading me to such a beautiful place…figuratively and mentally. I have not been this at peace in many moons and this is not to say that every day has been peaceful. The tears come and go, the healing gets messy and then softens me, I’m breathing new life into myself with every sandy breeze and becoming grateful for the little messes it leaves in every crack and crevice of my world. Cheers to you January, may we welcome February with an open heart and more to discover ❤️

Soaking up that protein and vitamin D thanks to Uptown Nutrition Club and the gorgeous Florida sun on the Suwannee River!

01/28/2025

ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝟛𝟡

I was 36 years old, single and yearning for more out of my life. I had recently moved my mother into a new assisted living after being her full time caregiver for 5 years, she was finally in a place that I knew I could trust and where she would be taken care of. She had monthly doctor visits to her home so the responsibilities on my end were finally starting to lighten and I thought that just maybe, this could finally be a time for me.

I had a few thoughts on where I wanted my life to go next but nothing that was certain except for the fact that my rent would end the following October and I wanted out. I was comfortable in my home of 2 years but it wasn’t fulfilling me anymore and I was searching for more. At that time I was still working my wellness business and had a few people mention to me about car camping and as it intrigued me since I hadn’t ever traveled far away from home, I started to dive deep and learn all I could about it. I started following multiple car camping pages on Facebook and speaking to some amazing women about their experiences and the ends and outs of traveling on your own. It was all so exciting at first and then the fear would set in, the idea of traveling alone as a female in America was not easy or safe, so to say. I also feared what might happen if something happened to my mother while I was away. Would I be able to get back in time to help?

As time moved on, I became more comfortable and excited with the idea. My sister would be released from jail a few months before the start of my adventure…maybe she’ll stay clean this time and finally relieve the burden and worry that would be on me while traveling. I have not been many places in the US before but I had a handful of good friends sporadically placed throughout and would get great insight and advice from them on areas to visit nearby and of course invites to spend time with them that we hadn’t in many years. I found safe BLMs and National Parks to camp at and researched all the beautiful spots where I could and could not take my sweet girl, Cejas. I bought supplies for living in a vehicle and for safety, I did trial runs in my SUV and mapped everything out on google; it would be at least a year long trip following the sunshine…South to Florida in the fall and then moving my way west throughout the winter months, ending up in my birthplace of Washington state by August of 2025.

As I was starting to figure out the last leg of my adventure, I met a boy. I explained to him my plans right off the bat, “I plan on leaving so you better not get attached,” and soon enough, we both in fact got attached. “I still plan on leaving so…” “I will come with you” he’d say. In my gut that wasn’t what I wanted, as I knew this was going to be a journey for me only, that there were things I needed to discover on my own, including discovering myself. I mentioned doing parts of it with and without him and we finally decided to just see how things go the following year. Days turned into months, months turned into jobs that would keep us both in place and not able to work while traveling and I started to question whether this dream was going to become a reality anymore. But soon after, a nightmare ensued.

April 17th 2024, 5 months before I was still set to leave even though I didn’t know how at this point, my mother’s spirit left her tired body. And when she left, I left as well. I had no idea who I was anymore or what I was supposed to do. Who I was without being her caregiver, who I was without part of myself on the same earth as me. I moved through an unbearable amount of emotions in the following months; guilt, fear, regret and suicidal thoughts were at the top of the list. I could no longer be who I thought I was and that boy….he had no idea how to navigate these torrential waters. We were both drowning with no lifesaver in sight. October was when I was supposed to adventure on from my life there in Maryland but instead, I was leaving the boy that I thought would save me. The thought of continuing this loss on my own was filled with fear but also certainty because after all, I was already navigating it on my own. Unconditional love and support from my dear friends and family gave me the strength and courage to know that I deserved more, even though I wasn’t sure who that me was anymore.

The holidays arrive and they are the most difficult to process, including my birthday. When my mother was well, she would always bring me a birthday cake and sing happy birthday to me in the most awkward voice that I loved so much. Our relationship was very difficult and toxic for a majority of our lives but these were the moments where she reminded me that through it all, she still deeply loved and cared about me. As I moved through these events with a new strength and healing that were coming over me, I finally decided that this was it. I no longer want to be lost, I no longer want to question who I am under everything I was told to be or thought I had to be. I wanted to be free, figuratively and literally. During this time I had been asking my landlord to rent month to month since I was so unsure of everything and by December, I decided it was time to go.

The idea of car camping was no longer exciting or intriguing to me. My nervous system was absolutely shot from the trauma I encountered throughout the year. Hyper sensitive to loud sounds and sudden movements, a thrown out back for weeks and multiple bouts of severe vertigo that left me helpless for days at a time, all left me thinking that there was no way that I could do all of that on my own RIGHT NOW. After some thinking and digging around, I finally decided to put the car camping on the back burner and travel using small Airbnbs and to just follow my gut on what to do day to day instead of meticulously planning everything out. My original travel plan had me coming back “home” but I knew that idea was no longer an option for the future I wanted for myself. By December 31st, I had everything I owned in a storage unit and my little 5 seater SUV… Cejas and I were on the road to Florida to spend a New Year with our bestie and start a new chapter.

Most days I’m uncertain of how my story will go but those are the days that give me peace and comfort in knowing that I get to make that choice, that I finally get to decide what’s best for me and what I want my life to look like. Choosing myself has been no easy feat by any means. It is unnatural and uncomfortable most times but being uncomfortable because I’m choosing courage over fear is a completely different type of feeling than being forced into it. I am starting to realize that this trip was originally planned to run away from who I was, in search of who I thought I might be without being told who I am and now it is to finally come home to myself, who I’ve always been and to be grateful for all the versions of myself that got me to where I am today. I’ve never been lost, I’ve always been here, I just had to finally look inside and SEE me.

01/26/2025

ℂ𝕙𝕠𝕔𝕠𝕝𝕒𝕥𝕖 𝕚𝕟 𝕄𝕪 ℂ𝕠𝕗𝕗𝕖𝕖

I’m forever grateful to the kind man long ago that worked with me at Home Depot’s who informed me that there were hot chocolate packets in a hidden cabinet near the communal coffee pot. When I expressed to him that I only drink coffee in the morning, he informed me of the greatness that is putting a packet in with your s**tty cup of Joe.

It’s moments like this, on a sunkissed Florida morning with a Ghirardelli double chocolate coffee in my new Lubee Bat Conservancy mug, and humans like him who share their small but magical secrets with you that make this life so unforgettable. Our beautiful minds are instinctually wired to remember the bad first, in an effort to protect us 🙏 But finding these small yet big things to be grateful for each day can change the wiring so we’re living a life more in flow than fear.

I’d love to hear what you are grateful for today ☕️

01/09/2025

𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝕊𝕚𝕕𝕖 ℚ𝕦𝕖𝕤𝕥

Welcome all! As I navigate this new journey of self, I am continually drawn back to writing and sharing my experiences. A Root Awakening was originated when I was a full time caregiver for my mother and needing to make a better income as well as wanting to better her health more holistically. Through schooling, courses and training, I eventually opened my health and wellness business where I performed Reiki Healings as well as Health coaching. It had a slow take off but eventually boomed for a few years, thanks to covid and it was an amazing feeling to be helping others during such a time of need. Unfortunately, during that time I came to the realization that I was taking on the responsibility to help and heal everyone; my mother, my clients and strangers. Even though I desired to do both, for some reason I could not take care of myself and everyone else simultaneously and I felt myself declining rapidly so I decided to step back and go more inward to find the why.

That journey inward was filled with a lot of pain, growth, regret and trying to make things different for my mother and between the two of us. Although I was losing her daily, I had no idea that in the middle of trying to fix us, I’d lose her completely. When I did, I completely lost my sense of purpose and who I thought I was. It took many months of grief and therapy to finally understand that I was never the titles that I kept giving myself in order to feel safe, protected and needed. I didn’t need to disregard myself in order to make others happy, I didn’t need to put myself down to lift others up, I didn’t need to fill my cup just so I could fill others, I didn’t need to save anyone else but me.

All of this lead me to question if being of service to others was really the direction I wanted to continue going in or if I was just using it as a cover up for all the work I thought I needed to do on myself, if I was even capable of focusing on my self while focusing on others or if I was just destined to use all of this magic on my own awakening. Today I have become confident that these answers will come to me the more I heal the parts of me that seek approval and dependence from others, the parts of me that falsely tell me that I either have to be quiet or useful in order to serve a purpose here. This may lead me back to the original quest eventually but for now, we‘re taking a detour!

So while I take a ride on this journey of self, I will continue to question, explore and dive deep into the darkness that holds the authentic me inside of it as well as taking an actual ride to some pretty amazing and beautiful places that will invoke healing and unforgettable memories. If you’re interested in finding out who that is with me or you just want to enjoy the view, then jump in! We will journey together through the past, present and future and it will be bumpy as s**t at times but others, we’ll be riding off into the sunset with the warm Florida sun on our face!

A Root Awakening: Wildflower Wanderings

02/20/2026

07/18/2025

03/19/2025

02/14/2025

02/04/2025

01/31/2025

01/28/2025

01/26/2025

01/09/2025

Address

Website

Alerts

Shortcuts

Share

Category