09/14/2025
I stared at this photo I took at an engagement session. I found myself drawn to it, but with a heavy feeling in my chest. We all perceive images in our own ways, sometimes depending on where we are at. The reflections have solid feet to stand on, but then the rest is blurred and imperfect. It makes me think of the way memories of the ones we miss remain. Altered, elusive, never as solid as when they were here. When you lose someone they’re absent in the physical sense, but their presence lingers in shadows, in traces, in us. The way we grieve whether it’s through silence, storytelling, anger, tenderness reveals parts of who we are. And forces us to reflect and look at our own selves.
On Friday my brother Bo would have been 36. He left this world at 19 because life felt too overwhelming for him. The years haven’t made it easier, only harder, because I miss more of what should have been.
I miss his electric laugh, the way his fang teeth showed when he smiled. I miss his hugs that felt like soft glue because he held on extra long. I miss how he could make everyone laugh, even while he was struggling alone in silence. The hole he left in my heart, in our family, will never close.
These past few years have been a rollercoaster, and lately I’ve felt like it’s one thing after another. There are days I feel like I’m sinking, sometimes by my own doing. Sometimes because of the world around me. But I remind myself that I’m alive and I hold my own unique power. And because I’m alive, I get to feel it all. The good and the bad. The pain and the joy. The beauty and the fears and the heartbreak. I’d still rather feel everything than to feel nothing. Bo has made me realize that. He always felt intensely like me. Through his absence I’ve learned that even in suffering, it’s worth it to keep going. And that there is always something to live for or look forward to.
September is Su***de Prevention Month. If you’re struggling please know you are not alone. You are loved, even when it feels impossible to believe. Even when you think you don’t deserve it. For Bo, and for all the names carried in love and memory, I’ll keep speaking his name. 🤍💜🕊️
