03/17/2026
To stand in one's full beauty is terrifying. I've never been able to do it all the way. Not without pretending that's not what I am trying to do- or half distracted by some gimmick, substance, song or another's beauty as my focus.
Of course, as a photographer, I'm drawn to those with an effortless way of inhabiting their own. Their physicality is part of it but secondary. More important is their willingness to inhabit the body utterly.
Like flowers for themselves. Naked. Upright. Delicate. Whole.
They mesmerize me.
I used to looooove watching my sister put on her makeup when we were teenagers only 18 months apart. I delighted in her care, her attention, her furtive dedication to self. It's not that I was not as vain - I very much was--but I was also more lazy and resentful of the effort of beautifying oneself.
Perhaps I was insecure that it was a code I'd never be able to crack. I have never excelled at form or coloring in the lines. I wanted to walk around pretending I wasn't trying (I was).
To this day, I often imagine myself invisible even tho like all of us, my deepest desire is to be seen.
The truth is the secret longing to move as beauty has never left me. And sometimes I believe I do, privately- beyond perception - even my own.
Sometimes I also try in a silly. grandiose way, imagining all eyes on me in a gas station as a way to practice the courage required to receive sight without twitching.
I can never quite tell if I am faking it or not.
I hope I'm brave enough to stand with another in full beauty someday. I hope I can let my constructs of beauty disappear as I enjoy the sensation of beauty's honey moving through my veins --her presence- her gift- her grace. I believe this beauty is available to each of us - uniquely expressed in our endless forms. We are not meant to hide, but to allow. Allow our return to nature without shame.
So many have given me that gift. Thank you. And Happy Almost Equinox.
(Images of and her flower people. Costa Mesa, CA. Scanned and developed by )
