Infinite Social

03/21/2020

Status is not what you have, but what you can provide to others

12/04/2019

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12/03/2019

Am I Masculine Enough?

This is a question we get asked a lot, and the answer is almost always no, you’re not. But not for the reasons you think. Trigger warning: this post has some harsh truths and will not pander to your feelings.

Chances are you don’t really know what ‘being a man’ actually means. If you’ve ever been involved in pick-up, they will tell you that being a man involves sleeping with a lot of women. If you’ve been in the fitness industry, you might think it has to do with muscle size and how much you can lift. If you’ve fallen down the rabbit hole of most ‘ self-development’ programs, you likely think that your success as a man is directly tied to how much money you have, what clothes you wear or what car you drive. The online marketing crowd will tell you that being a man means having a lot of likes and shares on social media - and an extensive online network of people you don’t actually know.

None of this is masculinity.

Being a man has nothing to do with wealth, fame, s*x or physicality. It is entirely about you view the world and yourself within it, and how you act according to those views.

Whether you like it or not, women have value in society because of their ability to bear children. This is a necessary biological function for the continued survival of our species, and so humans have instinctive psychological traits to accommodate this. Men, however, do not have this value. Instead, men are judged by their utility to society - namely their ability to protect and provide for women, children, and their community.

Men have to produce something of value for others in order to be considered valuable. As men we are not considered as human beings - Men are human DOINGs.

This is also why ideologies and movements form around men pursuing status - there is a biological and psychological drive to rise above the mediocre masses, and gain a competitive edge compared to other men. And this is where the ‘Alpha Male’ myth arises from. The myth being that if you don’t have status, you can’t get a woman. You have to be the dominant male in order to be ‘masculine’. It’s all complete bu****it though.

Here’s the harsh truth:

You being an ‘Alpha Male’ provides no value to anyone else. Remember, men are judged based on their utility to society, which means their ability to provide something of value to others. Your ‘Alpha Male’ status - whether it is through s*x, money, muscularity, or fame - provides absolutely no real or lasting value to anyone else but you.

The measure of a man is more about his ability to lead. His ability to regulate his emotions. To negotiate and settle disputes and disagreements. Men provide more to their community than they take. Men find meaning in productive work and find discomfort in idleness.

Men are selfless. Masculinity is selflessness.

If you’re asking questions like ‘Am I masculine enough?’, or ‘How do I be more Alpha?’, you’re already moving down a path of pure selfishness. You’re comparing yourself to others, looking at them with envy, trying to figure out how you can ‘hack’ your way to the top to get validation from other weak people and pretend that you’re respected. This is not masculinity.

The hard truth is that the more selfish you are, and the more you try to get ahead, the less virtuous and masculine you actually become. If you want to be more masculine, be more virtuous.

In fact, the very word ‘virtue’ (from the Latin ‘virtus’) literally means ‘manliness’. ‘Vir’ means ‘man’ and ‘virtus’ was not a concept measured by nobility or wealth. The main virtues are Prudence, Justice, Temperance and Courage. Depending on which philosophers or religious texts you read, the additional spiritual virtues of Faith, Hope and Charity would round out a more complete description of masculinity.

Virtue is not about doing one good thing one time. It is a habit.

You train in it. It is a discipline. If you practice the masculine virtues long enough, they become habitual. If you practice selfishness and vice long enough, that becomes habitual too, and it becomes an addiction.

Cicero wrote that Virtus and not one's family history should decide a man's worthiness. Virtus is something that a man earns himself, not something that is given to him by his family, thus it is a better measure of a man's ability. His message can be boiled down to the simple phrase:

‘Be worth knowing, not well known’.

If you want to be more masculine, if you want to be respected, stop being selfish and learn to pursue virtue over vice. Masculinity is not something that you have or something that you are, it is something that you earn through your choices and your actions.

So, ask yourself: ‘Am I masculine enough?’ If the answer is no, then what are you going to do about it?

12/02/2019

Escaping The Prison of Your Limiting Beliefs

Why can’t I have what I actually really want?

The career that wakes me up in the morning. The body and I feel proud of. The quality of relationships I actually get excited about.

I know the reason, and I think you know it as well…

You don’t actually believe you deserve it!

Our minds are plagued with all kinds of limiting beliefs. Keeping us locked away in prison and killing our potential for growth.

If you can overcome your limiting beliefs, then you can really have anything in life you desire.

You can become the person you wish other people saw in you and the type of man you’re really meant to be.

In this post, we’re going to take an in-depth look at what it takes to change crippling beliefs. Starting with some brief theory on the topic, I’m then going to share a process for belief change that’s genuinely changed my life.

This is something that’s allowed me to triumph over negative beliefs in the past and I guarantee will help you do the same. So, without further ado, let's get right into it.

Perception is Projection

“You create your own reality”.

You’ve probably heard that line countless times. It’s a classic. In self-development, this rhetoric forms the basis of most cult ideologies. It’s not wrong. But what does it actually mean?

The best way to think of it is like this…

The perception of reality works just like a flashlight. Imagine a dark room full of infinite options. Imagine every life path and every life decision you could make is represented as a picture. Frozen, in a still frame of time.

Whatever picture you choose to shine that light on, then becomes your reality. What you focus on, expands and becomes your new narrative or story.

Limiting beliefs ensure that we focus that light on things we don’t truly want. Forcing us to generate a reality that doesn’t genuinely excite us. Why on earth are we programmed to do this?

We do this because we suffer conflicting ideas in our minds. Beliefs planted in there from childhood. Beliefs that contradict each other, and then fight to try to cancel each other out.

From the perspective of the belief, it’s just trying to help. It’s shielding us from negative emotions like fear, or anger or rejection. Unaware that it’s actually stunting our growth.

These ideas are so woven into our subconscious that it’s not really possible to ever remove them. The lack belief is you. It’s what your identity is composed of.

Your body will never allow you to “remove part of yourself” from yourself, or stop a valid part of you from existing. You can’t destroy it, crush it or eliminate it (contrary to marketing messages in the self-development industry).

To move forward, the approach is counterintuitive. We need to first befriend our belief. See how it’s attempting to help us and then redirect its focus towards the positive.

These beliefs hold all of the internal resources we need to grow. It’s just a matter of allowing ourselves access, to open things up and to draw them back to the surface.

Reframing Demons Into Deities

You’ve heard about the concept of reframing when it comes to conversations about influence. Reframing someone else’s language or “keeping a strong frame” in interactions.

Well, the strongest frame you can keep is actually over yourself. Your subconscious controls your thoughts, behaviors, and actions. Providing the reasons behind why you do what you do.

In order to make deep identity level change, we need to start “reframing” limiting beliefs to be ones that actually empower us.
Becoming a master of reframing means we consciously choose where that flashlight shines. You take the power back over lack beliefs and create the identity you truly desire.

Michelangelo once said about his famous sculpture of David.

“I created a vision of David in my mind, and simply carved away everything that wasn’t him”

The same is true for your ideal vision as a man. When you reframe lack beliefs for the positive you chip apart the bad programming and shave away the parts that actually aren’t you.

Based on these simple principals of reframing I’ve come up with an effective process to “carve away” at limiting beliefs. A process I still use to this day.

Taking inspiration from our good friend David. I like to call this process Chiseling.

I believe it’s one of the key components to my success thus far. After talking with several successful friends and mentors they also confirm practicing versions of this process for themselves.

So read over the following paragraphs carefully, and let’s get into it by unpacking things slowly.

How to Get Started With Chiseling

Go to the stationery store and buy yourself a nice notebook. This is the most valuable book I ever bought.

Take out a pen, go to the back page and write down 6 to 8 limiting beliefs. Usually specific to the area of your life you’re currently working on. Eg; Social Skills

I can’t approach new people or start new interactions
I’m awkward in new conversations
My voice is too high/weak
I can’t keep peoples attention
I’m creepy and people think I’m low value
My life experience is limited
I have bad posture and people can tell

Now, choose one of these beliefs and follow this 3 step process to start Chiseling.

1. Question: Ask yourself a thoughtful question about the belief that you think can poke holes in its validity. Think of this as a different angle or perspective, allowing you to expose the idea to be false.

These specific questions provide you with evidence to believe the exact opposite could be true (what it is that you actually want). Therefore they’ll weaken the limiting beliefs power over you.

2. Answer: Answer your question honestly. Sit with your answer until you notice a very small shift begins to happen in the mind.

3. Recognition: Recognize the tiny shift you just experienced. Recognize the fact you just unlocked some new information, and opened up new perspectives on the idea. This part is a chip being carved away.

Note: You may not fully recognize or believe the answer you gave, and this is perfectly ok. Simply recognizing it’s potential to be true is all this needs in order to work.

What Does This Process Look Like in Action?

Let’s run some through specific examples below. I recommend questioning each belief with at least 5 or so different angles in order to properly weaken its power over you.

For the purpose of this case let’s use the limiting belief

“I’m awkward in new conversations”

An example of the chiseling process would be as follows:

Q 1: In what situation could being awkward in new conversations have value?

A: (Empathizing with other awkward people. On a TV show about awkward people. Writing a book on awkwardness).

SHIFT: SO, maybe it’s not so much of a curse?

Q 2: “I’m always awkward in new conversations” - Yet…?

A: (Yet I still manage to have new conversations. Yet awkward conversations don’t kill me. Yet almost everyone else I meet has them as well).

SHIFT: SO, maybe this is something I can get control over after all?

Q 3: Am I too awkward to speak to my friends or relatives? Am I too awkward to brush my teeth in the morning? Am I too awkward to write the answer in this book?

A: (No!)

SHIFT: SO, there must be some times and places where I’m not actually awkward at all?

Q 4: How would I know if this wasn’t true?

A: (People would want to talk to me for longer. People would approach me. People would smile when I speak)

SHIFT: SO, it’s possible that I can look for examples of when these positive signs happened to me? Maybe sometimes it’s not true that I behave awkwardly?

Q 5: Who says I’m awkward and according to whom?

A: (The girl I spoke to the other day who didn’t give me her Instagram. The cool kids from high school. My boss and my co-workers)

SHIFT: SO, it’s possible that these people don’t really know me as well as I know me? It’s possible I don’t even know what they think? It’s possible what they think doesn’t matter?

“Keep this up and eventually the belief will die a death of 1000 cuts.”

Repeat this process until you’ve worked through the list of beliefs. Several times a week, pull out this book out and repeat steps 1 and 2 again. Spend about 30 mins chiseling away per session.

The idea is to keep a forcefully positive mind. Bending all of your answers to see only the reality in which you want. Ironically this is reality is actually the truth. The reality of infinite abundance.

Notice that each time you challenge the belief from a new angle, the belief weakens in strength. Keep this up and eventually, the belief will die a death of 1000 cuts.

HINT: It’s usually best to practice this process in the morning. When we first wake up, we come out of what's known as a “hypnogogic state”. During this time, our subconscious is more susceptible to change and thus the work will be far more effective.

BONUS: Consider taking on an accountability partner to keep you liable, or assign specific days where you routinely do this process. Making it a habit and planning it into your schedule will ensure you actually execute when need be.

Committing to Growth

Put in the micro momentum each week, and shift these beliefs towards being in alignment with what you actually want. Eventually, you’ll find that you no longer have these false limits in your life!

Of course, this isn’t the only thing you can rely on. You also need to go out into the real world. Take action, and get reference experiences that prove these new ideas to be true.

However, the two support each other nicely and create a positive feedback loop. Creating an upward spiral of success.

Use these sample questions to begin with, but come up with your own angles over time. There are many different options and you’ll find some will resonate with you more than others. It can also vary from day to day, depending on your mood.

Just get creative and think up as many different perspectives as possible. Whatever can do to chip away at the belief and shatter its validity over time.

NOTE: As you grow and develop your beliefs will obviously change. This means you need to keep your false belief list updated. What a great feeling when you can cross out old beliefs that no longer continue to plague you!

So there we have it guys, some facts about the science of belief change plus my patent-pending process for chiseling. Ha.

If anybody has tried anything similar I’d love to hear from you. Also if you give this a shot let me know.

All the best until next time

Xander

11/20/2019

11/15/2019

How to Quit P**n for Good

Ok guys bit of an awkward one. Almost all of us have some type of relationship with the subject. Below I’m going to outline how we can make sure it’s a healthy one.

WHY DO WE WATCH P**N?

Behind the obvious reason for PLEASURE, there’s are a few biological triggers at play.

As with all vices, p**n seduces your short term senses. Your reptilian and mammalian brains desire for instant gratification.

Graphic s*xual imagery floods your brain with pleasure chemicals similar to any common drug. Serotonin, Oxytocin, Dopamine, etc. These guys swim around in your brain so much that your brain starts to become dependent on these chemicals.

Your brain rewires itself in order to function based on this new balance and soon after dependency kicks in. You’ll start getting withdrawals when you don’t watch p**n. You’ll start to rearrange your behavior to accommodate the habit.

Your prefrontal cortex or (human) logical brain becomes incapacitated. The part of your mind that's responsible for making long term decisions. This is really the main problem with addiction as you’ll sacrifice progress in other areas of your life just to feel the rush.

WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT IT

It’s all well and good to understand our impulses on a theoretical level but how do we start to control them? Here are 4 practical tips to fix p**n dependance.

Meditation

One of the best ways to stop succumbing to impulse meditation. Recognizing the signs of cravings as they come up in real-time. P**n is often used as a crutch to escape reality and as a way to overcome anxiety. Swapping out meditation and deep breathing for this bad habit is an easy way to take back control. Begin to notice what triggers you. Often it’s not p**nography itself but simply images of women in general. After working in advertising for 8+ years I can’t tell you how often we lace it with s*x. Instagram is exactly the same. Do yourself a favor and try going cold turkey on social media at the same time. You’ll find the results to be similar.

Time Auditing

One simple exercise is to take a look at just how much your p**n addiction is costing you. Take out a piece of paper and write down the answer to the following question. How many hours a day do you spend watching p**n? Now add that up in weeks, months, years. The final result will no doubt shock you. Take a hard look at how much of your life you’re wasting on this addiction. What else could you be doing with that time? Even if you look for a s*xual outlet couldn’t you be spending that with real women?

Therapy

Depending on how bad your addiction you may want to consider therapy. This can be professional or self-administered. Treatment for p**nography addiction is far more common than you may think. Obviously, our society suffers from this as a whole just like addiction to any other drug. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to seek out help if you need it. You can do so discreetly and your information will always be kept confidential. There are also self-administered therapy techniques such as immersing yourself in the stimulus. This means watching p**n without the s*xual connotations (or actions) in order to remove its power over you. Given your background, this may or may not work. Just be open to your options.

Blocking Software

The no-bu****it answer is to simply make it impossible for you to view p**n even if you wanted to. Install a p**n blocker on your phone, laptop or any other electronics. The boys over at “no fap” seem to recommend the following. http://www.safesurfer.co.nz Of course, there is always a way “around the block” but installing it is a good start. If you download a blocker…only to find yourself trying to bypass it yourself later then go to therapy. You really do have a problem (and this is ok).

There you have it.

SUMMARY

P**n is an addiction chemically similar to drugs. Train your brain to think long term and understand it’s effects on you. Take action on any of the 4 items above and get control over yourself and your addiction.

11/09/2019

3 Ways to Protect Against Toxic Relationships

We’ve all suffered through bad relationships in the past. Things start out great, full of promise and excitement before they rapidly take a turn south.

Assuming the role of PRODUCER your duty is to create value and share it with those who deserve it. This means protecting yourself from toxic relationships that decrease your value as a man.

Bad trade partners leave you psychologically drained, and you will not reach your potential if you allow others to poison your development.

Luckily there are a few ways that we can protect ourselves from toxic exchanges.

Have a read over the list of these three ways below. Choose one that resonates and try seeing that through to completion. This alone will guarantee better protection against toxic partners and will increase your value as a man.

1. Understanding Needs and Wants

Relationships don’t start out toxic and that’s exactly what makes them difficult to spot. When you begin a new relationship you both agree into a social contract. One that ensures you will both satisfy each other's needs.

Relationships turn toxic when these NEEDS and WANTS fall too far out of alignment. Simply put this means there’s now a “Value Gap” between the two of you, creating that familiar tension, resentment, and pain.

The foundation of all successful relationships is an equal exchange of value. With no ability to read this, you’ll continue entering relationships that fail to satisfy your needs.

Learn to interpret the other persons needs and wants. This is what they value and more specifically what they value from you. Define the specific value you expect from them and what you’re willing to provide in return.

Question: What are my key needs in a relationship? What value do I provide to others?

2. Vetting for Due Diligence

Most toxic relationships happen because we fail to vet partners correctly. Without proper due diligence, there’s no way to asses the compatibility of a potential relationship.

All too often we rush into new relationships simply because we FEEL really good about a new person. This is a recipe for disaster and we throw all objectivity out the window.

Stick to the facts.

You have to divorce emotions from eligibility and learn to screen heavily before entering new commitments. This is true for business, social and romantic agreements.

Take your time to evaluate new people. Make sure they are who they say they are. Don’t volunteer your time, your resources or personal information without first doing strict background checks on their character. Don’t let your feelings distract you from the truth.

Question: How can I verify a new person's claims? What evidence can I begin to look for?

3. Learning to Say No

In order to protect yourself from toxic relationships, you need to become comfortable saying NO. Sadly most of us suffer from people-pleasing habits, meaning this more difficult than it needs to be.

At the end of the day, protection comes down to strong boundaries.

Without setting clear boundaries to begin with, it’s impossible for others to know what to expect. You also may be overstepping their boundaries without knowing, forcing them to react poorly to you in return.

Take index of your rules for new relationships. Know your viewpoint and position for different relationship standards. Consider your morals, your values and how you wish to be treated as a man.

Once you understand your personal boundaries you must be proactive in enforcing them. Within each new relationship: Take note of when boundary violations happen. Question the motivations behind them and then decide on the right path of action.

Question: Where do I have problems saying no? In which area of my life and to which people?

A core part of our social economics framework is identifying and dissipating toxic relationships.

If you’d like to learn more about how we use vetting, boundary setting, and value trading to prevent toxic relationships, ask your mentor about our mentorship program.

11/02/2019

Need to get your spending under control?

Here's some solid advice to get you started.

5 WAYS TO SET FINANCIAL BOUNDARIES.

In last week’s Mentor Meet-up we talked about boundaries starting with you learning to say no to yourself. This is especially true when it comes to setting financial boundaries, since no one has access to your money but you.

Here are 4 simple tips to start setting some financial boundaries so you can get your spending under control and set yourself up for the future.

1. SET CLEAR GOALS. 


We say this in a lot at TIS, and we’re going to say it again. You need to have clear goals that are planned out in a spreadsheet. This means having some well defined long-term goals, and some regular, short term, habit-forming goals that will help you achieve them. If you don’t know how to start doing this, message us. We have some tools you can use and we regularly do goal setting in the Mentor Meet-ups. In terms of finances, your goals should be an amount you want to have saved - ready to invest in something more substantial. If you don’t have clearly defined goals then you won’t know what you should be saying no to, or what failing to say no is actually costing you. Whatever your goal is, a failure to set boundaries on your spending is going to cost you that goal.

2. SAVE FIRST, SPEND WHAT IS LEFT.

If you really want to commit to your financial goals, you have to prioritize them. This means dedicating a certain amount of the money you earn to a savings account and then not touching it. Ideally, you will have a High-Interest Savings Account that will help you earn a modest amount of interest until you’re ready to invest it into something with a better return. Choose how much you’re going to save and immediately set it aside each paycheck into a separate account. Treat that money as though it has been spent and then live on what is left. You’ll be amazed at how quickly you’re able to say no when you don’t have the money immediately available.

3. ESTABLISH A SOCIAL ROUTINE.

Last week we highlighted loneliness as a reason you are wasting money. That loneliness is not going to be filled with objects. You need to spend time with other people and sometimes that comes with a cost. If you can set-up regular, low-cost activities to do together or find ways to do things with others that you’re already doing like going to the gym, playing sport, or even watching a weekly TV show, you’ll be able to fill that loneliness by building meaningful relationships and have a predictable budget for social activities each week. In fact, you might actually end up saving money and reaching your goals faster.

4. DON’T GET INTO THE HABIT OF PAYING FOR OTHERS.

Paying for others is sometimes a nice thing to do, except when you’re always on the hook for it. Don’t set yourself up to be the guy that comes to the rescue every time someone else wants to dip out on the payment, and don’t spend money you can’t afford just to try to look good in front of them. Learn to set limits on your spending before you go out, and be upfront with others about your plans to save money. High quality people will respect those boundaries and anyone that doesn’t is being selfish at your expense and you should probably reconsider how much time you spend with people like that.

5. CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR TO MINIMIZE YOUR COSTS

You are probably wasting a lot of money on things that don’t matter. One of the biggest expenses is usually your cellular data plan. Check how much data you are actually using each month and see if you can drop down to a cheaper plan. Better still, take advantage of WiFi so you don’t need to use your data at all. Clothing and food are the other two things that people spend a lot of money on in small transactions without realizing how much it adds up. Fashion is cheap. You don’t have to spend a lot to look good. Calculate how much you’re actually spending and start finding cheaper options - including wearing basic color t-shirts and preparing your own meals to take to work.

GET STARTED

If you just start with these 5 tips, you’ll be well on your way to controlling your spending and reaching your financial goals. If you’re not sure how to get started, don’t be afraid to message us or jump into a Mentor Meet-up. The Infinite Social is a community designed to help you get exactly this type of support.