04/17/2022
Seems fitting to be back on social and tell you this exciting news -finally! We are expecting this little miracle this September and couldn’t be more ready!
Posting this I want to be able to A. tell our story but also B. speak to the mother’s and fathers that have had more of a difficult time trying to conceive.
We started trying over a year ago and really were open handed because we knew that the journey could be long for us. But we had no knowledge of what it could be for us.
This last December I was on a month long work trip and during my second week away - I just had a feeling that I could be pregnant. I scootered over to the nearby drug store in FL to grab a pregnancy test. Once I got back to my hotel room I was scared out of my mind but ready for some hopeful news. When I went to the bathroom to check the test I couldn’t believe my eyes that it clearly said “pregnant” - the feelings of joy overcame my body and tears flowed afterwards. Since Lars was not with me and I still had a few more weeks on this work trip, I decided that I want to tell him in person that we are pregnant! I wanted to document everything!
The only person that knew about this little baby was my dear friend Julia who happened to be on this trip with me. Truely thankful.
I was now on my final week of the work trip and at this point only a few days from finally flying home to see Lars and surprise him with the news!
It was December 17th - my Birthday, and I was in Washington DC. Lars had sent julia some money to cover my birthday breakfast and bottomless mimosas (he didn’t know I was pregnant 😉 Whiles Jules and I were playing some cribbage I felt some horrible lower pain.. I went to the bathroom and saw some spotting… then went again to the bathroom and it was not a sight I won’t describe to you. The pain got worse and worse to where I couldn’t stand up straight anymore. We quickly grabbed an Uber back to the hotel and I laid in fetal position for the rest of the day.
I knew that my body was processing the baby and that child was no longer with me. I cried and cried to the point where I was just screaming but no tears were coming out of me.
Once I rested - I called Lars to tell him two things 1. That we were pregnant & 2. We are no longer. Telling your husband after holding this incredible secret from him so that you could tell him in person for your own documentation, made me feel like the worst person in the entire world. “Like why Rachael… why did you not let him hold and have the same joy as you for those weeks that you were away..?” As any normal person would respond it was shock, disbelief and sadness all at once. He happened to be in the car when I called and asked if he could call me back once he was inside.
About 10 mins later I heard a knock at my hotel room, I thought it was Julia coming to check on me and when I opened the door it was Lars standing there with massive alligator tears in his eyes. I immediately fell to the floor and began to weep again. I can’t begin to tell you all the things that ran through my head in that moment like “why couldn’t this baby just have held on tighter?” Or I was just a few days away from being home to tell him this news!”
With the holidays after that trip we never spent time processing it together and yet there was still so much sadness in our beings. We were able to share our grief with family and friends but nothing really took away from that loss.. fear came in ripping away any sight of hope for us.
Since the miscarriage my period had not come back which made me curious, so about a month later we decided to take a pregnancy test… and then another and another because every single one said “pregnant” we were in complete disbelief. We didn’t and maybe didn’t want to believe that we were pregnant.. this felt impossible somehow.
After a couple weeks we decided we needed to get an ultrasound to know that this was real. As I was laying on the bed with jelly on my stomach and the screen in front of me - all the sudden I saw a little gummy bear show up with little wiggly arms and legs as the woman said “well looks like your 9 1/2 weeks!” What!? How!? Which only means that when we lost our first baby, we conceived this one in the SAME WEEK. God blows my mind and he is so unbelievably good.
Leading up to our 12 week check up we wanted to make sure all was good before sharing with the family (we did have a few friends that knew for prayer and such.) I had some light spotting show up but was worried because it felt and looked different than the first time. We called our midwife and she said you have nothing to worry about but we can move up the ultrasound if that will give you you peace of mind. We decided not to but two days before our ultrasound I had a lot of bleeding happen.. so much fear that we are losing this one too filled my mind and all I could do was weep. I want to tell you this though - I have never felt more hopeless and all I could do was fall on my face face trusting that Jesus had this baby protected. We set up an emergency ultrasound that seemed like days away when it was only hours. We briefly asked our families for prayer (cause they didn’t know we were pregnant) but we wanted their prayers.. My dad texted the group saying that he saw a picture for us “one hand was closed shut and the other was open” when we were in the empty waiting room Lars turned to me and said “what if that picture your dad received was God saying - I have your first child but I’m giving you this one.” We immediately burst it out in tears - feeling hope in that interpretation. Seconds later Penny called us into the room and had me get on the table right away. As I layed down she wasted no time slapping on that gel and without hesitation says “we have a heartbeat!”
Lars and I cried so hard that we finally were able to breathe that sweet sign of relief.
I just want to say that the goodness of God was so evident and thick that we were undone by how much He sees us and loves us.
Now we are 17 weeks!!! And we are so excited to share with you all of our story and how it continues to evolve. Pregnancy is not easy for all but I want you to know that I hear you and see you. My prayers are for you and I believe one day you will also have a miracle story.
Sorry for the long post but I believe that our story might bless one person or give them some hope. I love you all - thank you for taking the time to read.
Happy Easter - truly He is bringing dead things to life.
