10/28/2023
Waiting for my first baby to welcome his first baby has been an emotionally beautiful and tangled-up experience for this soon-to-be nana. Adding a layer of depth and complexity, this year marks the thirty year anniversary of the terrifying, joyful and seismic beginning of my journey as a mother. With a heart filled with pride, gratitude and peace, I feel like this tiny human, my first grandchild, is the perfect prize for the hard work of choosing to parent her father; for choosing to give up my youth to be his mother. What a beautiful reward.
Thirty years ago, nearly to the day, I was a girl bursting with all the potential and yet-to-be-realized talents of the young. One who had dreamed for much of her seventeen years of life as a professional artist, of traveling the world, of doing great and exciting things. I remember sitting at the kitchen table mindlessly doodling in my notebook some chaotic mash up of little characters, random thoughts, and the name âTyler Johnâ in every teen-girl font you can imagine. That name had been doodled on whatever surfaces passed by my pen, embellished with hearts and swirls of flourish. From the outside my scribbles would have looked like a teenâs love-sick crush; a dreamy wish for the thrill of young love.
As I looked down at my round melon of a belly straining against the oversized T-shirt I likely stole from my dadâs closet I ran my hands over my growing child; my future interrupted. I wondered, sitting at that table with the autumn sun warming us both, where those dreams would go. What would happen to my hopes when I turned my face away from them, letting go to take a small, dimpled hand in mine?
Two weeks later, in a rush of emotions from terror to joy and back again, I would reach out my arms to pull my beautiful boy against my chest. His wide blue eyes would blink up at mine, so full of trust, full of all the potential and yet-to-be-realized talents of the young. It was then that I knew; my dreams could wait. I would take his perfect little hand, the one firmly grasping my finger as he snuggled into my heart, and together we would find a new path and it would be beautiful.
And it was. It is. It will be. â¤ď¸