11/03/2022
𝗗𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝗯𝗲 𝗮𝗳𝗿𝗮𝗶𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗳𝗮𝗶𝗹. If you reading this need to hear this right now – these words are shared for you tonight. Three years ago, 𝗜 𝗙𝗔𝗜𝗟𝗘𝗗… 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗶𝗻 𝗳𝗮𝗶𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴, 𝗜 𝗦𝗨𝗖𝗖𝗘𝗘𝗗𝗘𝗗*.
𝗧𝗢𝗥𝗦𝗜𝗢𝗡.
Life, is t w i s t e d like that, at times.
I FAILED to be “enough” of a wife for my husband to remain part of our family – and cruely torqued within in the same crushing moment of admittance - I SUCCEEDED in finding my own feet and being enough of a woman to not remain trapped within a brutal cycle.
I am mine.
𝗜 𝗔𝗠. 𝗠𝗜𝗡𝗘.
before I will ever again be anyone else’s
I FAILED at holding together a whole family for my children. In doing so, I SUCCEEDED at providing a safe family and home for them to thrive within.
I FAILED to hold together the marriage I had fought for, bled for, sacrificed for, often submissively from my knees, for 17 years.
Yet, I SUCCEEDED in keeping my children safe. I FAILED to take enough of a/(yet another) beating to prove my love worthy of his, yet twisted within not being meek enough to be beaten down to someone else’s expectations, I SUCCEEDED in discovering an even greater love for MYSELF.
I am worth that self-love.
I deserve that self-respect.
(i still, to this day, struggle to capture those words into reality)
𝗬𝗢𝗨 𝗔𝗥𝗘 𝗧𝗢𝗢.
𝗜 𝗦𝗲𝗲 𝗬𝗼𝘂.
I FAILED to properly/submissively de-escalate. I FAILED to accept the blame. I FAILED to remain standing while my lungs gasped for air. While from the midst of it all, I SUCEEDED in finding a safe way out – blows bruising my body – words lashing bloody streams around me – staring down a loaded gun in my face – climbing to my feet, yet again – recorded proof to counter-balance his lies held in my hand … – the very existence of my reality I had fought to maintain, crashing down in shards around me as the police rolled in for the man I loved.
Accepting your failing, as not failing - it ain't no peaceful easy feeling.
Relief tastes an awful lot like a bloody nose clotting down the back of your throat sometimes, gagging, stomach heaving and churning through your mind’s refusal to accept the peace it promises borne on the bloody hell of it's coming.
Reality so brutally sharp I couldn’t even feel the rocks under feet as I stumbled out, barefoot, down my driveway with my dog… crushing under the savage shame of the culmination of all my failings.
I SUCCEEDED at coming out with the things that mattered most to me.
My children, already send away safe. And my dog, by my side.
𝗠𝘆𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳. Still alive. Still Breathing.
I FAILED to be worth fighting for. I FAILED to be enough to be loved. I FAILED as a Wife, as a Mother, as a person of any value. Cloaked within those blinding FAILURES … I SUCCEEDED in realizing I was far more than everything I had been beaten into believing I was not.
𝗗𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝗯𝗲 𝗮𝗳𝗿𝗮𝗶𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗳𝗮𝗶𝗹, 𝗺𝘆 𝗳𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗱. 𝗦𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲𝘀 𝗳𝗮𝗶𝗹𝘂𝗿𝗲 𝗶𝘀 𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗮𝗰𝗰𝗲𝗽𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝗮 𝗳𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝘀𝗼 𝘂𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝗮𝗯𝗹𝗲 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗹𝗶𝘁𝘆 𝘀𝗵𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗯𝗲𝗲𝗻 𝘀𝗲𝗰𝗲𝗱𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗹𝗼𝗻𝗴 𝗽𝗿𝗶𝗼𝗿. Yet those who fight the hardest, we don’t tap out until we haven’t a breath left to draw into our lungs or a drop left to be bled out of our still somehow beating hearts.
I sat down to write encouraging words through tonight’s darkness. *Encouragement* to share. Yet what brightness are meaningless words to someone in the dark fog murky enough the light can’t be seen? So tonight, my kindness is torqued through with stark bloody reality. One can always recognize the blood, even in the absence of hope. Tonight, my friend, slashed through my encouraging words above … Tell me, how many of my FAILURES did you see as actually failing, when you read them? Here’s reality – that you can see from outside, BUT I COULD NOT EVEN GLIMPSE FROM WITH IT. While not one of my “failures” is actually even deserving of being credited the use of the word, every one of them was ruthlessly seared into my reality like a scarlet letter branded on my face, at the time.
F.
F.
F. F. F. FAIL. FAIL. FAIL.
So here’s my kindness tonight, friend. Smoldering from my own twisted reality. Just as you can’t see your failures, as anything but failing, for the muck you’re currently within… I offer you these words. Don’t be afraid to fail, within the acceptance of failure is where you’ll find your successes and well deserved freedom. So gag over that, like a bloody nose clotting down the back of your throat. I know you will. But, you know I’m right, the same as you know you’re right in not seeing my above “failures” as failures at all.
I’m almost tempted to judge this barrage of hellish words loosed above a failure to my intent. They twisted down a far different path than intended when I sat down to write them. 𝙔𝙀𝙏 … 𝙞𝙛 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙨𝙤𝙣 𝙬𝙝𝙤 𝙪𝙣𝙙𝙚𝙧𝙨𝙩𝙖𝙣𝙙𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙚𝙣𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙧𝙖𝙜𝙚𝙢𝙚𝙣𝙩 𝙄 𝙤𝙛𝙛𝙚𝙧, 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙣 𝙄’𝙫𝙚 𝙨𝙪𝙘𝙘𝙚𝙚𝙙𝙚𝙙.
𝗜𝘁'𝘀 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘀𝘁𝗼𝗽 𝗷𝘂𝗱𝗴𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗳𝗮𝗶𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴, 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝗹𝗹𝗼𝘄 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝘂𝗰𝗰𝗲𝗲𝗱.
