Collective souls imagery

05/20/2026

The boat fills with water as we cross the wide lake

I think in this moment of the song the church lady sang to me about rowing my boat to shore

I find myself praying as the water gathers around my ankles

I try it sometimes, prayer in secret but I keep noticing that I'm doing it

Sometimes I look out the window to find myself staring back in

Sometimes I try to escape my own life without letting myself know that I am leaving

Every adventure is a creative new way to die

In my favorite dream I row that boat forever

I give up and the water is so cold that it keeps me alive forever, which is another way of dying again and again but never quite being dead and that is the horror of life

I wake up laughing and I want and want and what dear God is on the other side of want and I want that too

My want is so wide that I cannot cross it

05/20/2026

I think the reason pawns can’t move backwards is because if they could, they’d kill their own kings in a heartbeat… Instead, we are forced to keep moving, believing we can get to the other side and become royalty ourselves, but most likely dying on the way there, sacrificed for a cause we don’t even understand. I wish you the best. I wish you horses and castles.

03/09/2026

03/07/2026

The years it took to release my arm from yours is not an allegory, it is the body dissolving

02/26/2026

We exchanged our favorite words:

Mine being “illuminated” and yours “almost.”
And when I asked you why,

you said it was because almost held failed potential.
That it represented our ability to be just not good enough.
That we had come to the brink of something beautiful,
but fell short so many times, we crafted a word for it…

But even we with our supposed mastery of the English language,
we’re not immune to the shortcomings of our vocabularies.
Words can only help you if you speak them.

and I know that everybody uses language to communicate.
But ours was different; as if in between the letters and the syllables

there is a secret message only we could decipher.

I have pored over our conversations.
Searching for the secret message you certainly tried to send me
And I am sorry, but I only almost found it…

I have decided to change my least favorite word to malignant.

Malignant is malicious
Malignant is uncontrollable;
Malignant is messy and unfair and a thief.
Malignant means I never got to say goodbye
Malignant is the cause of almost…

Because you were on the brink of something beautiful,
But you couldn’t quite reach it and you fell too far.

I am so sorry. I wasn’t there to catch you.
I hope your heaven is a library
And I hope it’s void of almosts.

02/26/2026

There was a great storm at sea
The disciples were afraid the ship would get swallowed up
Now read, read what Jesus said
“Why are ye fearful, o ye of little faith”
Then he arose and rebuked the winds and the sea
And there was a great calm, see
She says, “See? Don’t you feel better?”
And she does not know
That I tried to drown myself accidentally on purpose
For the second time today
But that is just too much to say
So instead I say
“No, I am not Jesus.
And I have depression, not a storm”
And she says
“We all know doctors just make that up in order to sell pills
You don’t have depression
You just don’t have enough faith"
Read, read what it says about the two men possessed with devils they say,
“If thou cast us out, suffer us to go into the herd of swine”
And Jesus said
“Go”
And sends them into the swine and they drown
they drown and that's why it's ok
and she holds my head underwater and says "Because it wasn't you! You've got a devil in you, so
we get it out!".
The truth is a drown pig,
a ship at sea.
"You are his tool,
Jesus doesn't let his tools rust!"
I say I don't want to be Jesus's drowned pig.
She says "you will kill the parts of yourself that are yourself." She says "you are the antichrist, Jesus says so, keep reading!
Your child is a broken ship at sea,
He died your death so you can't die!"
And I say in the voice with each one of my su***de attempts
Each one a ship wreck, drowned at sea.
"What do we do with thee oh child of God?"
and she hands me the whole violent ocean and says "Go then! you vial thing.
I won't have you in this home that is not your home!
I will not have you die in this coffin that is your room, that was never your room!
All this was mine!
It was mine and I gave it to you!
Wretched beast!
I cannot bear the sight of you!
I take back my motherhood and give you stones!
Now go fourth into the swines and drown. Go!"
And she waits for me to respond but I have too much to say yet I manage to say it all in a single word..

Goodbye.

02/24/2026

In my dream I'm a lost child hunting through the leaves of the night for your hands