09/27/2022
This is real life. It’s a quick snapshot in time that represents an overwhelming feeling of frustration. It’s feeling frustrated that I’ve been dealing with an autoimmune disease for the last few years; that I’ve been battling depression for the last year; that I battle headaches/migraines almost daily; that I feel completely exhausted all of the time; that I’ve had an extreme case of vertigo for almost two months now; that no matter what I do I can’t seem to lose weight; frustrated that doctors don’t really have a reason for all of these things; that I’m so self conscious about my body that I’m ashamed to be in pictures anymore; that all of my physical ailments have really made it hard to train for my half marathon coming up in just a few weeks. Real life is not just a picture-perfect Instagram feed, it’s feeling REAL emotions (good AND bad) and not just “choosing joy” all the time.
This morning I ran my longest run ever - 8 miles. My goal was to do it in 2 hours, but I did it in about 2 hrs 6 minutes. Not terrible, in my opinion, but I didn’t quite reach my goal. My run was riddled with leg pains that slowed me down and it’s honestly left me feeling like I won’t be able to run my half. It’s hard because even though I’m proud of where I am in this running journey, it still feels like I’m falling short.
But I keep getting out there and running even on days I don’t want to. I have to do this not only for myself, but for my daughter. I want her to grow up feeling confident in herself as a person and loving her body completely. I don’t ever want her to think that her worth lies in a number on a scale. If she’s going to learn to love herself exactly how she is, then I’d better do the same. It’s hard…really hard…but everyday I’m trying to ignore the noise of what I think I *should* look like and listen to the encouragement of footsteps pounding on the pavement instead. Running has helped me so much this year and even though I still have bad days, running has helped me to feel strong again. I know this body is amazing, and I know it can do incredible things 💛