01/21/2026
🚨 GALACTIC HAGGIS CONFIRMED ON THE MOON 🏴
Global space agencies have been thrown into chaos this morning after leaked documents confirmed that the Moon is already fully inhabited by a long-established colony of Galactic Haggis.
For decades, we were told the Moon was desolate. Barren. Lifeless.
That claim collapsed overnight after newly released audio from the 1969 Apollo 11 landing
revealed the truth - Neil Armstrong’s famous words were edited for public reassurance.
The uncut transcript actually reads:
“That’s one small step for man, one giant— hold on… is that a wee haggis?
Houston, they’re everywhere. They’re asking if we’ve brought any whisky.”
Historians now believe the so-called Space Haggis were accidentally launched into orbit during the Jacobite clearances, when a group of haggis attempted to stack themselves on top of one another to ‘look bigger and scare off the English’. The stack reached critical height, achieved unexpected lift, and vanished into the night sky.
After centuries of zero-gravity evolution, lunar haggis have developed extraordinary adaptations. They are now perfectly spherical for maximum bounce efficiency and completely impervious to cosmic radiation thanks to a strict diet of Irn-Bru and Tunnock’s Teacakes.
Elon Musk has reportedly offered to purchase the entire Moon. Negotiations broke down within minutes after the haggis delegation refused to communicate via X, stating they were “no calling it that”, and countered with an offer to sell Musk a timeshare in a crater.
NASA has confirmed all future missions will require whisky, shortbread, and prior permission.
