05/11/2026
And if not, He is still good. Daniel 3:18
Today we laid to rest our tiny gladiator, Jack Holden. The service included just family and it was unique and beautiful. Almost all our family members participated in sharing letters, reading scripture, and praying. My sweet father, who is a pastor, led the service. We listened to the song “Good Good Father” by Chris Tomlin, which I hummed to Jack just about each day of his life and multiple times leading up to his passing. No one had done this before, but the cemetery gave us permission to shovel the dirt to bury baby Jack. With each shovel of dirt, I prayed and hoped for things for my child in eternity.
Even though we lost our miracle baby, I cannot for one moment be ungrateful for the days and sweet moments with him. They are the best gift we have ever received. I will never forget the look in his eyes, the strong grip of his hand, or the way he wiggled his toes that looked like my dad’s. I will never forget that my son came out of the womb fighting and gave it all he had. He shouldn’t have had to be so strong, but his mama is incredibly proud of his efforts.
It is interesting how you can be filled with a grateful heart and also be absolutely devastated simultaneously. It feels like breathing is hard, that I am carrying an extra hundred pounds of weight, and the pain in my chest hasn’t left for even a moment since he left. In the infinite pain of losing the child I have always dreamed of raising, I have hope. I have hope that I will see my child again and that motherhood in heaven will be sweet. I only have another 30-50 years to go and then I will have eternity to worship Jesus and love on my child. I imagine running in fields of wildflowers and cuddling in the grass and guessing the shapes of clouds. We may even hang out with animals that on earth would have eaten us. I don’t know, but I believe it will be magical.
Natraj and I continue to be blessed by your prayers and kindness. Thank you for loving our son. It means the world to us that Jack was seen and cared about.
Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”Matthew 14:19