05/20/2023
Today I took photos of my home. My empty home.
The past few years have been filled with the deepest losses as well as the most wild transformative periods. One thing that stayed consistent is that, at the end of any given day, I had a warm, welcoming place to come back to. I have been reflecting on how these walls have held comfort for the heartbroken, welcomed the lost, and always carried so much love.
I thought I would be prepared when the day would come when we would not have 1845 anymore. Although I have known this since I was small, it’s still not enough time to say goodbye 20 years later.
One thing I can say, walking around here today, taking pictures of the void of what used to be my fondest memories, is that these walls are simply walls. When I came in today, it was cold and I didn’t feel much love at all. It is nostalgic, in the most uncomfortable, unsettling way possible. I look at the details that I loved and cherished as a child, pieces of this house that reminded me of “home”. They don’t look the same.
I know that what made 1845 feel the way it did for myself, and so many others, was the love that was grounded here 50+ years ago by my grandparents. They cared for this home as if it were another child to tend to. Growing up, I was always so proud to call 1845 “home”. I was so proud of the care that went into curating each and every room to be a comfortable space, where many over the years would gather to eat, laugh, smile, and relax.
I am beyond grateful that my Gram & Pap allowed myself and my sisters to have the opportunity to make this our home, just as they did for their own children. But it simply isn’t the same without them.
My lesson from this experience is that it’s the people inside the walls who make it a home. I am determined to create that same warm feeling that my grandparents instilled so many years ago when we have our own house and family someday down the road.
Now is the time to let go, before the memories of the warmth they carried through 1845 are washed from my mind. Love you long time. 🫶🏼🏡🚪🪞🪑🍝🕯🎹⚜️💭
