22/03/2021
Ngā mihi nui kia koe e hoa for empowering us with your kōrero.
Your haerenga is so powerful, and I'm so grateful you've allowed me to share it on this platform. Elevating the voices of the unheard.
🚨TRIGGER WARNING (RAPE/SEXUAL ASSAULT/ABUSE)🚨
“Kua tawhiti kē tō haerenga mai, kia kore e haere tonu. He nui rawa o mahi, kia kore e mahi tonu”
“You have come too far not to go further, you have done too much not to do more” - Ta Himi Henare.
When mum found out she was pregnant with me, her and dad decided to get married. So 2 months before I was due, she walked along our marae ātea into the wharenui (Whakamaharatanga) hapū as, and said yes to my dad. 6 kids later, a move across the ditch and 22 years of marriage they’re still hearty as ever. I'm forever grateful to have them as parents. Ko Ariana Smith tōku ingoa. He uri tēnei nō te Tai Tokerau.
But let’s take it back to where it all started…16 February 1998 I was born at middlemore hospital, located in Otahuhu, South Auckland. The best day of my parents life ;). As soon as I was born, mum and dad went back to our whare in Mangere where they were greeted by aunties, uncles and cousins with boxes of beers to celebrate. Apparently it was a garage party to remember lol. Te Puawaitanga Kōhanga Reo in Manurewa is where I began to learn about my culture and Te reo. I remember all the whaeas there reminding me of my aunties, the love and patience they had for us haututū tamariki. We were even close with the kōhanga van driver. She would drop us off last so she could come inside and have a cuppa tea with nan and talk all the latest goss (we lived next door to my grandparents). From there I went to Te Kura Kaupapa Māori o Mangere. I was only there a year before I switched over to Ngā Tapuwae as I had whanau there and stayed till I was 8. Then to Te Rangi Aniwaniwa up north till I was 15 and lastly to Ngā Puna O Waiōrea where I finished my schooling years.
I know this kōrero has just started but I want to talk about a part of me I've only shared with close ones since the beginning of this year. It first happened when I was 5, around the time I started kura. It's not a happy memory, hence why I ignored it for so many years and tried to forget but it is my story and it's something I’m ready to talk about in hope that it will help other girls/women or even boys/men. I believe the more stories like mine that are shared and spoken about, can encourage others to speak up and break this cycle. I am ok and my whanau and friends provide an amazing support system and I love them so much more for that.
Back to when I was 5. I remember all my cousins being over at our house cause our parents were having a party. Everyone was staying the night, as you do. We had a hobbit house in our backyard that my dad built me and my siblings and often would sleep the night in. It was like a tree house but not in the tree. Anyway all us cousins wanted to sleep in it that night and so we did. I remember all of us getting in (me being one of the youngest) and my older cousin who at the time was 11 or 12 said to sleep next to him. So I did, not thinking anything of it. I woke up in the middle of the night to him dry hu***ng me and touching me. I just remember freezing and being so scared and unsure of what to do. I didn't like it but I was scared to move or let him know I was awake. I don't know how long I pretended to be asleep for but it felt like forever. I was about to cry but I still didn't want him to know I was awake during that so I pretended to move in my sleep as if I was about to wake up. He instantly stopped. I sat up as if I was just waking up and he asked me what I was doing and to go back to sleep. I said I needed to go to the toilet and he asked if I wanted him to take me but I said no it's ok as I got up and left. I remember walking up the deck to my house and just bawling my eyes out. My puku felt so sick and everything felt so wrong. I walked inside and my mum was in the kitchen. She asked me what was wrong and I just kept saying nothing. I just said to her I want to die. Literally all I said because I truly felt that way. She tried to ask me why but I said nothing else and just cried. But how was I, a 5 year old, to explain such a thing. Kids can barely communicate what they want for dinner let alone someone s*xually abusing them.
Similar situations happened a few other times with the same cousin till I was about 9-10. I hated being alone with him and I hated seeing him at whanau gatherings. As I got older, more into my teenage years, I really started to think I made it up because of how casual he would act towards me in front of family. So I don't blame anyone for not catching on or having any suspicions, especially because I never gave anyone a reason to. I didn't show any hurt or say a word to anyone. For so many years I blamed myself and was so embarrassed. I was gonna take it to the grave. My plan was to push it down and forget as time went on.
When I was 17 I had my first boyfriend. Thought he was my forever man and was gonna have his babies typpa s**t lol. Dated till I was 19 but kept seeing him till I was 20. Overall it wasn't a healthy relationship. On multiple occasions he lied to me, cheated on me, verbally and emotionally abused me, was very controlling and manipulative but I stayed because I truly believed he was the best I was gonna get. I thought I deserved that treatment and that I would never get better, he told me that and I believed him. I can remember a few times where I’d literally be crying saying I didnt want to have s*x but he’d force himself on me anyway till I would have no choice but to stop resisting and just let him. Nobody knew any of this of course, because deep down I knew it was wrong and didn't want whanau or friends to get involved but I really didn't think much of my self worth so I kept it all in. Towards the end of our relationship he started to get physical. I remember the first time he touched me, we were in town on the street arguing and I was crying. He got angry and literally head kicked me so hard I fell to the ground (dw I’m sitting here cringing at how much s**t I put up with). Two girls saw it happen and called the cops. Cops showed up and we both got taken to the police station for questioning. Before we got split up he told me not to say anything otherwise he'd lose his job in the army. I was scared of him so I lied, I denied the whole thing and we got sent home. He apologised for hitting me and promised to never do it again. I believed him. Dumb I know. The last time I saw him we attended a festival together and he got mad because I was going to say hello to a “male” friend that I had seen in the crowd. Before I could even walk over he grabbed me and stuck his cigarette out on my face, head butted me, bit my ear so hard it started bleeding, snapped my ph in half, punched me, ripped my passport up so I couldn't catch my flight home in the next 2 days and just so much more s**t. (told my whanau a big lie saying I was drunk and walked into a cigarette, that I lost my purse at the festival because I was drunk. So im sorry) All happened within a couple hours and all I wanted to do was get away from him. It's sad how bad I had to let it get for me to finally see him for who he truly was. I just thought to myself in that moment that I would NEVER want to see any girl, my sister, my mother or future daughters be treated that way. I was physically, emotionally and mentally drained. I had no more fight in me so I told him this is the last time you'll see me and I haven't seen him since.
After that I did make growth but I was still attracting s**tty men and allowing men to walk over me and just brushing it off. Telling myself it wasn't a big deal, don't be dramatic. For example, one time my brother had a bunch of mates at our house drinking, I got blackout drunk and my sister put me to bed. Everyone knew how drunk I was. I woke up in the middle of the night to someone in my bed feeling me up and no un**es on. I was that drunk, I couldn't even recognise the voice or who was in my room but I knew it had happened when I woke up the next morning. I cried and ended up telling my brother the next day, we then found out who it was and all he had to say to me at first before my dad was in his face was “I’m sorry it won't happen again”. In my own house bro. No matter how big or small your experience it's never ok. Even that creepy uncle at the party who always says s*xual jokes and finds any chance to touch you whilst his wife and kids are right there, that's not ok. I've been in far too many situations where men have tried to make a s*xual move on me and I've just freezed making them believe because I'm not saying “no'', that I want it. That I must be liking it but that's far from the truth. That's just how I react and I link it back to my childhood experience. I freeze because I'm scared of upsetting you, because of how my cousin treated me, because of how my ex treated me. I freeze because in some way I thought I owe it to you. I thought you're allowed to access that side of me, because I was taught that at such a young age. Not because I'm s*xually aroused or because I'm enjoying it. But because I've never known any better till recently.
Only when I came out to my family at the beginning of this year did I realise, that me keeping that childhood trauma to myself over all these years has affected me in so many ways. The relationships I have with men, friendships and how I always overcompensate, how I react in certain situations, my trust issues and so on. The experiences we go through in life, change the way we think and our perspective on things. We're always going to experience both good and bad things in life. It's what we make of it and how we go about it afterwards. I've finally accepted what's happened and that's why I could share it with close ones this year and now you guys because I want to raise awareness on these stories and highlight that, yes, unfortunately it does happen a lot within our culture and we need to have more of these kōrero so that victims can speak up without feeling whakamā or as if its their fault because its not. It never was and we owe it to ourselves the forgiveness and to prevent it from happening to future generations. I'm not doing this for a pity party or for anyone to treat me differently, I have amazing support and if anything, as challenging and uncomfortable as 2020 has been, for me, it's where I’ve made the most growth during my time of adulthood and for that this has been my favourite year and it aint even over. I'm only gonna keep growing as I keep letting go. My load is getting lighter and there's still a lot of unpacking to do but the main thing is I've started and I'll get there. I just want the same thing for anybody else going through or have been through similar situations. Of course I was scared to share this because of many things. How people would view me, how it would affect my whanau and other relationships but at the end of the day it happened to me and im choosing to talk about it in hope it'll help others. I know too many similar situations that have happened to whanau and friends of mine but have never spoken out because of fear. So i'm also doing it for them. It happens way too often and it needs to stop. The picture is bigger than me and if this is gonna reach one person and help them in some way, then just maybe it'll save that innocent 5 year old girl/boy.
