24/10/2025
Short-Eared Owl • Filey, January 2025
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I love owls, I think they’re my favourite bird. They were my grandmothers favourite bird as well…
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Three years later and I’m still grieving the loss of my grandma. Still waking up hoping she’s still here and it’s just one big nightmare I can’t wake up from. A part of me died the day I found out she passed away, a part that I’ll never get back.
I’m not the same person I was when she was alive and I hate myself because of it as I wonder if she’ll still recognise me, the overwhelming fear that she won’t is unbearable. I have my photography as a reminder because she loved my photos but this time of year it’s just a painful reminder.
Though the part that hurts the most is the guilt that I feel. The guilt of not spending more time with her, being angry with her when she died, not being at home when she passed.
Memory and time don’t go hand in hand. I can’t remember what she looks like apart from a vague idea. I don’t remember what she sounds like.
Parts of me wants to stop grieving because then I can continue on with my life, not cry at every nursing home I see, I can go back to taking photos in autumn/winter. But the other parts of me don’t because it’s the only thing I have left of her.