30/06/2021
I Won't Remember Your Face
With inspiring Kato Wong who always participates in my experiments.
Recently, during the course of AD's I started to see why I am who I am. For example, I tend to panic when I meet someone new - and now I know, why. When I meet somebody, the fact of the existence of this person pierces my whole body through. I start to look at the factors about the person - one by one: the pulse of the pupils, the texture of the skin, the scent of skin and perfume, the sound of walking, the speed of walking, the gestures, the skin tone, the nails tone, the texture and colour of the clothes, the wrinkles, the hair, the speed and sense of breathing, the pauses in talking, the tone of voice and so on. It is so overwhelming that I can't look in the eyes of the person I am talking to (and yes, it also considers my friends, but I am doing my best). While I am processing a ton of non-verbal info, the person talks to me, giving me verbal info. And I am like "Oh God, I need to listen!" - and bam, the processing of non-verbal stops and there is nothing for me but just a voice. I can't feel the borders of the person's body. so I can accidentally run into him/her. And then I go - "No, I better remember him/her, otherwise I won't be able to recognize him/her next time we meet..." - and bam, I can't understand a word spoken to me. As a result of the fast info processing and genuine confusion, the white noise appears in my head and I am NOT ABLE TO HEAR, FEEL OR SEE ANYTHING AT ALL! I am just smiling into the void and keep saying basic lines like "Oh, really?", "Good!", "I am glad you are happy with it" and so on.
As a result, I can't remember the face. Even to remember the face of my friends, I need to know them for YEARS. In my head there are no faces on people's heads - they are blurred or absent, or the only part of this face is an eye or nose (the part I have studied enough to remember).
