23/04/2025
I didnāt expect to write this, but I know I need to.
Iāve been putting this off for a long time, but Iāve learnt that keeping things to yourself just causes more stress in the long run. I havenāt posted on here in a while. The last few years have been weird, to say the least.
Iāve been quiet with everyone - clients, friends, family. Terrible at communicating. Seemingly disappearing off the face of the planet at times. Iāve been struggling with doing the smallest of things. Making my bed, drying my hair, even replying to a message can feel like climbing a mountain most days.
Iād been struggling for a while before this, but in 2023 I was diagnosed with MCAS, POTS, Dysautonomia, and Pernicious Anaemia. All brought on by a case of Covid. One day I was fine, the next day I wasnāt. Annoyingly, the week I actually had Covid wasnāt even that bad. The cough was the worst part - but, the aftermath has been literal hell.
Clients and photographers Iāve worked with over the last few years have been subjected to my ever-decreasing āsafe foodā requests. Iām now down to 5. I eventually started bringing my own food with me. Iāve been eating the same meal on repeat for the last 2.5 years.
MCAS (Mast Cell Activation Syndrome) is a weird thing to have, and Iām used to people looking at me like Iām mad when I try to explain it. I canāt eat anything out of my āsafe foodā bubble - or Iāll either have an allergic reaction or become so unwell Iām non-functional. I canāt put any new products on my skin - or Iāll either have an allergic reaction or become so unwell Iām non-functional. I canāt be around scented products for too long because Iāll develop a migraine or become so unwell Iām non-functional š
The same goes for new supplements and medications, which is keeping me in a neverending cycle.
POTS, Dysautonomia & Pernicious Anaemia are fun too. Most days it feels like Iāve got the worst hangover of my life paired with the flu. Very achey, very weak, very tired, very dizzy. I canāt remember the last time I felt rested.
Iāve been becoming even more unwell over the last year or so, pushing through kidney infections, viruses, a recurring tooth infection, and a stupid amount of antibiotics. It just seems to be one thing after the next.
Iāve made the decision this year to take down my website until Iām recovered. Weddings are difficult even for a healthy person. I was ignoring my health and taking on work in denial that I have a disability. I was spending the entire day masking my symptoms and putting on a brave face, and then spending a week or more in bed, fighting to recover in time for the next one. Except, my version of recovering isnāt really recovering, itās fighting to get back to a baseline where Iām just able to push myself through another day. My weeks have been like Groundhog Day. Iāve become very good at masking my symptoms, but Iāve been making myself much worse in the process.
Itās not a decision Iāve taken lightly, but I know itās for the best.
I have a couple of procedures to go through in May, which Iām hoping will be the start of my healing. Iām feeling a weird mixture of anxiety and anticipation. Iāve spoken to people who are here now, and people who have been able to come out the other side. Iām feeling hopeful, but I know it wonāt be a quick process.
Iād like to apologise to anyone Iāve not communicated with properly, clients, friends, family - specifically over the last year or so. Itās never been my intention to leave anyone waiting. Iāve found sharing my disability with others to be extremely difficult, mostly because I didnāt want to accept it myself. Itās difficult to see everyone living normally so easily when youāre trying so hard to do the same.
Iāve come across so many people dealing with similar issues along the way, and Iād love to bring awareness to them once Iām at a better stage in life. xox
