01/10/2021
I’ve always found photography to be a great way to convey my emotions. Some things that feel overwhelming to speak about can be said in a single frame. This photograph isn’t here for that purpose, it just fits the mood and subject I want to speak about - loneliness.
For a while now I’ve found myself alone. Not in a kinda “I’m all by myself now” way, more so in a “oh I have no one to tell this to” way or a “no one cares” way.
I’m constantly terrified that people are going to notice how alone I am, the fact that I hold my own hands when I walk or that whenever I do anything - I do it by myself. Do people notice that I don’t have photos with anyone? That I get dressed in my nicest clothes to sit indoors and stare vacantly at walls and screens?
This loneliness hasn’t ever been through choice, as introverted as I am, I like having people in my life. The issue is that I have only ever had temporary people… or maybe I’m the one that’s temporary in their lives - easily forgotten about when something better comes along.
Through my life I’ve had many friends who I don’t speak to anymore - they just were here one day and not the next. No explanation. I’ve accepted one sided love because it was better than no love. Giving everything I have to get broken in return. Prioritising other people for them to leave me hanging. I pretend like I don’t care, like I’m okay with it all.
The truth is - I’m not okay with it. I’m not okay with people making jokes at me, I get a reminder at least once a week that I’m useless and unimportant to those around me - I’m not okay with that. I’m sick of caring for people who don’t give me a second thought. I’m sick of being reassured by the world that if I died tonight, no one would notice in the morning.
I have days where I can’t stomach looking at my phone. If I don’t look then I don’t know that I’ve been ignored again - there could be a text there just saying “Hi”. If I don’t see the sad reality then I’m okay a little longer.
I honestly don’t know why I’m writing all of this - I think I just need it out of my mind and somewhere else.
I wish I didn’t feel this way and I wish I had what everyone else has. The sad reality is - this world is full of lonely people who feel exactly the same as me. Who feel just as low and just as scared of people finding out how broken down they truly feel.
I sincerely hope that you keep trying to find your way through it.
JasonCopePhotography.