08/12/2025
Five years ago today I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
It’s a bizarre feeling, if I’m being honest. I can’t quite believe it’s been 5 years already; but also feels like a lifetime ago.
Five years is a big deal; a big milestone to hit. I’m grateful. I’m anxious. Overwhelmed. Tired. Proud. Scared.
I’ve been wanting to get out of town lately. Go away with friends, family, whoever’s available. I wasn’t sure why I’ve had that urge in the past week or so. I’ve had a busy summer and it’s nice to have some slow days now. But that feeling wouldn’t leave. I wanted to escape.
The last five years have been the hardest of my life by far. It’s a lot. It’s heavy. So much happened so quickly back then. And it’s all jumbled together. My grief over my diagnosis isn’t just that. It’s so much more.
And as much as I want to cheers to five years; to life and how lucky I am in this life, I equally want to skip over this day and all the grief it brings.
Because it’s not just 5 years since I was diagnosed.
It’s 5 years since we lost my father-in-law.
It’s now knowing my Grandma had only 6 months left.
My dad had 8 months left.
Lockdowns, distancing, online schooling.
Deciding on my surgery and what I wanted my body, my life to look like.
Heaviness over amputating my breast.
Research into chemotherapy and radiation.
Stress over what was to come.
So I’ll sit with this grief for as long as I need to today. And then I’ll celebrate - because I do know it’s a celebration. Every step of the way, I’ve celebrated the big and small moments, and today will be no different. I just need to remember, reflect and breathe first. Breathe through the unfairness of life, the heartbreak, the sadness, the stress… and then face the day and feel the sun on my face.
That’s survivorship to me. That’s what it looks like to be here, five years later. Healthy, strong, and proud of how far I’ve come. But still grieving. Always grieving. I’ve lost so much along the way.
But look what I’ve gained. 🫶🏼
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Tattoo by .tooth
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