11/05/2023
TRIGGER WARNING ** details of attempted su***de * if your feeling depressed , sad , anxious i do advise against reading and to seek help from a friend or health professional ***
I just wanted to pop my head up and say a big hello to everyone , buckle in this is a bit of a read 🌸
As everyone knows i have always been very very open and honest about my health issues , life etc on social media in the hopes of maybe helping others going through similar and to be honest sometimes it was easier than answering a 100 messages
The past few years have been anything but easy for my little family i moved to townsville and got sick and we found out i had cervical cancer i felt like i was going to die , i started lash training from a hospital bed and had a few lash models come whilst i was still in a hospital gown at home , i fell in love with lashing just like makeup it was something that brought a smile to womens faces
I got through that bump in our road and we got permission to try for a baby and unfortunately miscarried , still i worked through as id started to make a name for myself very quickly
Next came my idea of joining all my skills together to start photography hair styling , makeup lashes etc
My first ever shoot was held at the penthouse of the casino 17 women hair , makeup and shoot with outfit changes , we supplied free alcohol and food from 2pm to 3am i worked and the girls could stay after their shoot and mingle
From there things just erupted and my name was everywhere , for lashes , makeup , photography i would pick clients up for lash appointments and drop them home at no cost , i would do appointments for free and or wait for payments , i would do lashes at 11pm at night for palliative care nurses , late appointments that went past 1am anything and everything for my clients
Then came my pregnancy with little loki , this pregnancy was not easy at all working through hypermesis , i started swelling and bleeding and losing clots and still i worked until i was fully admmitted to the hospital on bed rest , and still i had a client meet me at the hospital for a makeup appointment whilst i was on oxygen etc
Lord loki taylor raines was born 12th of april 2021 at 536 grams ( 1 pound 1) via emergency classical c section
We spent almost 7 months in nicu and special care and during that time i had to move clients around , i did makeup shoots etc and had some amazing supportive people and clients then had some clients that really did not care what was happening as i wasnt 'useful' to them anymore
Loki came home on full time oxygen 465 days straight , he has had multiple hospitilisations and picu trips etc and mingled with that i have some serious health issues from his birth
Still i worked i promoted mini shoots to help raise extra money needed for his heart surgery etc i wanted to give back not just take i was working 6am to 6pm every day physically then editing times on top of that
In the midst of this we got pregnant again and had to have a termination last year on mothers day and ive had my tubes removed as im unable to carry any more children
All whilst working working working always trying to keep up the image that i was strong and could do anything and also just trying to catch up on things from nicu etc
Unfortunately at the end of august last year a day like any other i was working i did a wedding then had mini shoots that afternoon ( id also started some new antidepressants as i knew i needed some help )
Trigger trigger warning *
I went home to give loki and matt a kiss in between and headed to my field where most of my shoots took place , something happened on my drive to the field i just broke down , i dont remember too much its all very hazy but i had 2 clients one of whom turned up and i was a mess and i remember saying something about loki then driving away
I drove to the hospital and sat there crying i was going to go in and ask for help but instead i went to the shops bought a pack of razors and then i was sitting in the old part of jcu i remember thinking i would be found the next day and it would only be a short trip to the morgue for the ambulance officers , i had a smoke or 2 and wrote some notes on my phone to be found and sent some i love you messages and started slicing my wrists , this part is very hazy i remember thinking thats not deep enough start digging i wasnt in my body then it felt like i was watching from outside my body no more tears just get to the veins and end it , i remember a lot of blood everywhere and i did another dig and blood spurted on my face and started getting really heavy something clicked and i called matt
What i didnt know was that matt had seen my goodbye message and had called police ambulance friends that are family were at my house and driving around checking bridges etc
I dont remember what was said on the phone , matt and our other dear friends matt and tamiqua also talked to me but i dont remember talking with them
but my matt and our dear friend mooney found me first before ambulance and police arrived ill never forget the look on matts face as he started first aid before the paramedics got there
Ill never forget the drs saying your very lucky one more cut and you wouldnt be here ....
The past few months since have not been easy to say the least , i have had to reschedule and also refund clients slowly for the minis we held for our loki 90% have been lovely the other 10% not so much , i never intended to have this breakdown , i didnt try to take my own life to rip people off , i broke ... i never want to hurt anyone else i have and always will be that woman that wants to help build other women up and feel amazing about themselves
I go to therapy each week , im on some different medications to help and im seen by a bunch of specialists for my health issues to get me back to my old self again
Ive learnt a lot these past few months , with regards to business ( you have to live and learn )
With regards to my own personal life and working on filling my cup before everyone elses something im terrible at
My families journey is not over we have many more hurdles to overcome with our little loki , noah will be a teen soon lol and my health etc
But now im learning to take each and every day as it comes dont stress about what you cant control and just try to live life and be the best version of yourself that you can be
Most Clients wont miss or mourn you when your gone but your family will , make sure to take care of family and yourself first
A big big love to those who have been so kind in anyway you know who you are , i may not always be present as im still taking a break from social media mostly but i see you 🌸❤
I cant say that im better but god am i trying
Im excited for new beginnings , our big move to brisbane for lokis specialists and for my amazing partner to study medicine to become a dr and change peoples lives and slowly being behind the camera again
Remember it aint weak to speak 💙
