08/09/2021
Self-destruction • I’ve inflicted more pain on myself than any person ever has. I’m a runner. I push and run and push harder and run faster and then I expect people I love to follow me off the cliff I chose to run full speed at. Then I have the audacity to be surprised when no one follows.
I don’t know where it came from in my childhood, but when things are their best, I’ll find a way to cause myself (or others) pain. Somewhere deep inside is that critic that tells me I’m not deserving of happiness. Or that if it is good then it must be a mirage and soon the bottom will fall out and I’ll be left with the pain again. “They’ll cheat again. They’ll lie. They’ll hurt you.” So I inflict the pain on myself instead of accepting love that I don’t feel deserving of. Or heaven forbid I chase them the way I want to be fought for 🙄
“We accept the love we think we deserve”
That line is more about self-love to me than the love of anyone else. Because I know in my logical brain that I have been fiercely loved by others. But my work in life has ALWAYS been learning to love myself. To stop allowing my mind to bully me. To stop playing victim to my own thoughts. To stop fu***ng running. To finally let go of the thought that I’m a monster that no one will ever love.
So here I am.
So 👏🏼 many 👏🏼 failed relationships later. Picking up the pieces of myself that I chose to break.
So this time I’m going to put myself back together with kindness. I’m going to chase myself. I’m going to fight for myself. I’m going to fall madly in love with me. Then when I find that inner love. When the words I say to myself match the way I want to love others, THEN I will finally accept all the love that’s always been right there in front of me.
Words have power.
Words matter.
What’s your inner critic saying?
•••
Headed to Chicago on Friday to find some healing in the city that’s never let me down.
