31/08/2024
somehow, someway the second year is both easier and harder than the first year. If you know grief, you know what I mean However, if you have yet to ever experience the loss of something you’ll never get back, you might be confused how something is harder and equally easier all at the same time. Honestly me too, I both understand and am confused by it. Grief is confusing though - there’s no blueprint, book, prayer, or movie that will prepare you. There’s no one word of advice I can give you. It’s unexplainable and unpredictable, grief is a thief and a gift giver.
Today makes 1 year and 5 months that’s 519 days since Nannie left this world and somehow that’s equally forever ago and yesterday. I’ve both healed and crumbled, sometimes the same week or even day. Looking back on the first 365 days I think I was just in survival mode. Trying to face what reality woke me up to one day. She was gone and we were still here. She stopped breathing and somehow we still were. We faced the first holidays and birthdays without her. Yet in the midst of trying to accept that and adjust to that, time continued ticking even if we wanted to stop the world from spinning, I mean ours did, didn’t it? Bills to pay, jobs to work, meals to cook, the mundane must be kept up.
Then you grieve the loss on anniversary number 1 and realize you’ve somehow caught your breath one day. You’ve laughed and traveled, shared meals with family and friends. Okay, yeah this is easier maybe time does heal all wounds. Oh what lies we tell ourselves…
All while healing the wound of grief, she stabs you again - a song plays, a smell enters your nostrils, the wind blows just the right way and your back to day one. You pick up the phone to make the call and remember no one’s on the other end. Somehow it feels like all that healing work is gone. See year two, she tricks you. You think you’ve mastered something that’s not meant to be mastered and your reality starts to sink in - Nannie will not be sitting at the counter when you walk in. A homesickness that there’s no cure for - a home that you can never return to. A hug that you’ll spend your entire life longing for. Year to reality smacks you as you start to accept the fate you’ve been given.
1 year and 5 months that’s 519 days since Nannie left this world and somehow that’s equally forever ago and yesterday.