01/22/2025
Time for a personal update🤍 I naturally turn inward when going through something hard, so i'm finally coming to find the words for our last couple of months.
With each pregnancy, I feel like God draws me to a certain song. For Hudson, it was a David Crowder song that *happened*(God wink) to play at the exact moment he was placed onto my chest after birth. For Owen, it was a Brandon Lake song on repeat that carried me into our unexpected 12 day NICU stay once he was born. Right now, "Can’t steal my joy" is my song of the season.
We experienced the deep sorrow of losing a baby in Nov. 2024, but we didn't let it steal our joy. We continued to be fueled by the great joy in parenting the two sweet boys in front of us as we got ready to enter the holiday season.
The days and weeks following our loss were emotionally heavy.
Hudson would ask, "Mom why are your eyes upside down?"
I could talk about how easy it is to question why this happened and pick yourself apart. When in reality it's nothing you did.
I could talk about the frustrations in the dr office and the lack of sympathy and wonder of how I could make the process better for others. I was left with no ideas on how to support my body during the healing until I did my own research.
I could talk about how it really is like a "mini birth" and how confusing it is to have experienced pregnancy symptoms for weeks for it to all go away.
I could talk about how you instantly wish you could have supported your friends better during their miscarriage. You truly don't understand what it's like until you go through it yourself.
I could talk about how hard it is to want your closest family and friends to know, but not know how to bring it up and tell them without bursting into tears.
I could talk about the strength needed to "keep going" for your living children. It happened on a friday. I quickly moved sessions (during my busy season) best I could as an attempt to rest and grieve. We went to church and I bawled my eyes out during worship. Then, monday came and david and I had to just pick up where life was. On one side it’s good to have the distractions but I've also found myself over the weeks slowly working through all of my emotions in waves.
Through it all we kept our eyes looking upward. We didn't lose hope in what God was doing and the plans he has for our family. He has been walking before and beside us through it all. I'm thankful for a God who is present in our highest of highs and lowest of lows. I truly believe God puts people in your path to help you go through certain seasons. I experienced such kindness from a few new church friends that I didn't even know that well, the cards sent, packages to help my healing journey sent from friends from out of state.
It was a treasure to be our baby's safe place for a short time before they found ultimate rest in the arms of Jesus. The greatest gift is knowing that we will meet our baby one day in heaven. On the night of our miscarriage, I heard these words from a little voice that I'll remember the rest of my life "It's ok mom, I'll see you in heaven". Those words were a gift that brought me such peace that night.
My heart is heavy for anyone who has experienced the loss of a baby. I'm so sorry. Let our loving savior meet you in your sorrow🤍 The world will tell you to forget about it and move on, but the truth is we feel forever changed knowing we have a child awaiting us in heaven. My notes from church the week following our miscarriage felt so fitting: We don't choose to walk in the valley, but when that happens, where is your lips of praise? I think we all need to check in and remind ourselves to praise him even when that valley comes. Choose to praise him through it all🤍 He is near to the brokenhearted. Psalm 34:18
