12/31/2025
New year is hitting differently for me this year.
2025 has been a year beyond words. The little life growing inside me has changed me irrevocably before she's even drawn her first breath, and March '26 will bring the greatest gift of my life. And after years of healing work, I've finally found ways to measure the worth of my life beyond my work.
But the ghosts of those old patterns still haunt me. They mostly lurk out of sight, and I forget they are there. But every now and then, something (NYE and the pressure to make resolutions, for example) brings them back into the light, and they torment me.
They tell me that I'm not a real artist. They say that, if I was, I'd have a clear consistent body of work. That I'd have a dependable process. An iconic style. A clear message to convey. They point to my scattered trail of experiments, their lack of uniting vision, and say they bring nothing meaningful into the world. And, when they *really* gain power over me, they ask me what sort of damage it might do to a young girl to be raised by a mother who just can't seem to find her mission in life, or the peace in her passion.
It's hard for me to share this. I've been told many times that my tendency towards uncertainty and experimentation (and to talk with the tone of someone still figuring it all out) makes it difficult to take me and my work seriously. "Be yourself--but not like that!"
But I have the soul of a wanderer. I question more than I answer. I explore more than I produce. I flow like water between thoughts and interests and opinions, never able to ground myself for long before being pulled into the next thing. I don't force myself on people or the world, but remain open to it, waiting to be invited. And in this world that celebrates the sturdy, singularly-focused, disciplined, driven, masculine approach to greatness and genius, I've come to feel ashamed of my nature.
I still don't know where my art will take me. I still pray it leads me somewhere clear and consistent, that I can model for my baby girl what it means to persist and triumph in one's struggles. But until then, I hope to model honesty and vulnerability, and to keep showing up. ❤️
