16/10/2026
How Bikers Survive Winter (Part 3 of 3)
Eventually it happens.
The temperature drops, the roads are covered in salt and even the most optimistic among us has to admit that perhaps going out on the bike isn't actually fun anymore.
You've had your seventeen "last rides of the year". You've finally put the bike in the garage and told yourself it'll only be a few months.
Unfortunately, nobody has explained this to your brain.
Within a fortnight you're finding increasingly ridiculous ways of getting your fix.
1. Harley-Davidson.
Download Farming Simulator and spend the winter driving a tractor around with the volume turned up. Every twenty minutes, pause the game, go into the garage and loosen something. For the full Harley experience, transfer £80 out of your bank account every time you do this and order a replacement part. I ride a Harley. I am allowed to say this.
2. Triumph.
Put £1 in the little coin-operated horse outside the supermarket and sit on it looking dignified. Brown leather jacket, open-face helmet, perhaps a nice scarf. When a four-year-old asks if you're nearly finished, explain that it's British engineering and they're too young to understand.
3. Kawasaki.
Trolley racing in Lidl. Obviously. Find the one with the slightly dodgy wheel because anything that travels in a perfectly straight line isn't exciting enough. Full racing crouch down the frozen-food aisle. Bonus points if you're wearing green.
4. Ducati.
Turn the central heating up to 28 degrees, put your leathers on and sit in the kitchen drinking a tiny espresso. Occasionally throw a £50 note out of the window to recreate the authentic ownership experience. If you have a red coffee machine, just stare at it occasionally.
God, it's beautiful.
5. BMW GS.
Google Maps. Street View. Peru.
Put the panniers either side of your office chair, make a flask and spend six hours virtually travelling across South America. At lunchtime, post a photograph from your 2018 trip to the Alps with the caption "Take me back." You've already planned next summer's 4,000-mile tour in considerably more detail than your pension.
6. KTM.
Go and stand next to some motorway roadworks. Everything is orange, aggressive and looks vaguely dangerous. Close your eyes while somebody starts something noisy nearby and, just for a second, you're back.
7. Honda.
You don't understand the question. You've been riding all winter because the bloody thing starts every morning. While everybody else is spending £300 on battery conditioners, heated jackets and therapy, you press the button and go to work.
Nobody likes a show-off.
8. Yamaha.
Buy a motorcycle racing game to get you through the winter. That's all. Except by February you have a gaming chair, pedals, three screens, headphones and something called force feedback. You've now spent considerably more recreating motorcycling indoors than it would have cost to buy heated clothing and just go outside.
9. Suzuki.
Spend January watching old motorcycle videos on YouTube and telling anyone who'll listen that bikes were better before they started putting all this electronic crap on them. By February you're browsing Auto Trader. By March there's another Suzuki in the garage. You have absolutely no recollection of buying it. Bandit owners can stop typing now. I'm doing manufacturers. If I start doing individual models we'll still be here when the weather warms up or when my Harley dealership has diagnosed that fu***ng rattle.
10. Royal Enfield.
You have a shed. Nothing else required. Put the radio on, make some tea and spend an entire Sunday adjusting something that wasn't actually broken. At approximately four o'clock, stand back, look at what you've achieved and realise the bike is now exactly as it was at nine that morning. Perfect day.
11. Indian.
Similar winter programme to the Harley rider, except your tractor simulator has heated seats, Bluetooth and nothing falls off. You'll mention this to the Harley rider. Repeatedly.
12. Moto Guzzi.
Spend Sunday afternoon in the garage listening to Italian opera and polishing chrome.
Every so often, start the bike purely to watch the whole thing shake from side to side.
Tell yourself this is character. It is. You wouldn't have bought one otherwise.
13. Aprilia.
Spend the winter explaining to people that no, you didn't nearly buy a Ducati. You wanted the Aprilia. Then go into the garage, take the cover off, look at it for ten minutes, put the cover back on and go indoors. Twenty minutes later, repeat.
Italian motorcycles are probably the only motorcycles you can still enjoy while they're switched off.
14. Husqvarna.
Winter is easy. There's an entire range of chainsaws, leaf blowers and lawn equipment with your motorcycle's name written on it. Your neighbours think you're doing the garden. You know better.
15. Scooter riders.
You don't understand this post either because you've been riding all winter.
You passed three of us sitting in traffic this morning while carrying two bags of shopping, a laptop and what appeared to be a small wardrobe under the seat.
And eventually, whatever you ride, we all reach the same stage.
You go into the garage for something completely unrelated.
You look at the bike.
You take the cover off.
You sit on it.
Just for a minute.
Perhaps straighten it up and put your hands on the bars.
Maybe make a very small engine noise.
Then you notice your partner standing in the doorway watching you.
Neither of you says anything.
They just slowly close the door again.
Only four months to go.
Tag the mate who's currently sitting on his bike in the garage "just for a minute". And tell me below which brand I got most wrong. I can take it. Follow the page for more of this nonsense.
